


The scars on my mind are on replay

by lindagoesgaga



Category: La casa de papel | Money Heist (TV), La casa de papel | Money Heist (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma, reassurance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:54:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24899512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lindagoesgaga/pseuds/lindagoesgaga
Summary: Raquel has been living with Sergio for about a year now but old habits die hard. Now and then her trauma from her past relationship comes back go her.Serquel‘s way of dealing with thatokay I wrote this story because none of the writers wanted to acknowledge that raquel obviously still deals with her past trauma. It‘s kinda dark but I felt like I owe it to her.
Relationships: Raquel Murillo/Professor | Sergio Marquina, Raquel murillo/
Comments: 46
Kudos: 269





	1. Chapter 1

Today was a particular heavy day. Raquel and Sergio have been having little quarrels all day. About nothing in particular really just small fights about her wanting to go with him for the next possible heist but him refusing to accept that. It’s not that they were planning anything but she saw the plans on his desk in his office and asked him about them. At first he didn’t want to tell her but when she wouldn’t leave he had no other choice and told her everything about his plans. She was eyeing him sceptically the whole time and when she told him that what he’s doing is dangerous the arguing started. When she suggested that she should be a part of it too, he looked at her with wide eyes and said that it’s too dangerous. They went back and forth, none of them wanting to give in. He also didn’t want to acknowledge her importance and that was what tipped her over the edge.

‘You just don’t want to see that I am as important as you, do you? You know very well that I’m your equal and that I know the police as well as you do, if not even better.’

‘It’s not about your importance, it’s for your own safety. You will stay here with Paula and Marivi and wait for me to come back.’

‘No, I will not do that.’, she said exasperated.

‘Yes, you will. End of discussion.’, he said with a loud and stern voice, throwing his hands up in the air.

And suddenly the colour in Raquel’s face vanished. She looked at him, panic rising inside her as she started having trouble breathing. He called out for her but she couldn’t hear him. The voices in her head started to get louder and louder. She tried focusing on her surroundings but failed.

‘What were you thinking talking to me like that? Do you think that’s what a good wife does?’

She kept hearing his voice in her head. Alberto’s voice. She tried to see through it. She knew it was just a voice. She kept her eyes shut as she tried to focus on her breathing.

‘Who do you think you are mhh? You don’t get to talk to me like that. You have to follow my orders.’

This was all getting too much, she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. She tried to steady herself and moved down to sit on the floor.

Sergio kept calling out for her. ‘Raquel, Raquel. Listen to my voice. You’re safe. I’m so sorry. Raquel please come back to me.’

Slowly, she opened her eyes again. Her breathing calmed down a bit. She looked at Sergio but when he tried to touch her, she flinched again. She didn’t move away so he sat down opposite of her and just waited for her. He kept repeating ‘You’re safe Raquel. You’re safe.’ A few minutes passed and her breathing was almost back to normal now but her hands still trembled. She looked at them.

‘Sorry.’, she said a bit out of breath.

‘Why are you sorry?’

‘I overreacted and –‘

‘First of all, stop right there. You didn’t overreact. Your body reacted very naturally to what it saw as a threat. You went into panic mode because I triggered you. I’m sorry, Raquel. I should have known that this still runs so deep with you. I’m really sorry.’

‘How could you have known. I never told you about it except for that one time at Hanoi. I didn’t know either that I would react the way I just did. I haven’t had a panic attack like this for months.’

She suddenly felt very exhausted as she looked at him. She was yearning for his touch now, wanted to be held by him, wanted to feel his safe arms around her.

And as if he could read her mind, he shifted his position and opened his arms to her. She moved into his embrace and buried her head into his neck. He held her tight and caressed her hair. It felt so good to be in his embrace. After a few minutes she shifted and moved away from him again.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’, he asked her.

‘No, I`m not ready yet I think.’

And she stood up and left him there. She went into the kitchen to prepare coffee and as much as she wanted to talk about it, she didn’t want to relive it again. That panic attack was exhausting enough, and she’d rather suppress these memories until they’d go away. She knew it wasn’t the right way to deal with this, but it was the easiest right now. She wasn’t ready to face her past yet. She also didn’t want to open up to him completely, not knowing how he would react. It’s not that she didn’t trust him but he did lie to her once and when all you’ve ever experienced is lies an gaslighting it’s very hard to see through that and trust other people again. She has lived with him for about a year now but old habits die hard. She was still turning to her unhealthy coping mechanism sometimes which mostly consisted of ignoring her feelings and doubting herself and her gut. It was hard to break through them and sometimes she was too tired of fighting and couldn’t help it and fall back into them.

Sergio watched her rummaging in the kitchen and he wished he could tell her that he was right there for her. He wished he could make her understand that she wasn’t alone in this. She didn’t have to go through her trauma alone. She had him now, they were in this together. But all he could do was wait for her to open up and come to him. There was no use of forcing her as it would just lead to her closing herself even more. Her walls were very high and every time he thought he was able to climb over them, she was quick to build them even higher. He did not blame her for it. He understood that that was her natural response to how she was treated. She had to build up those walls in order to protect herself. She went through so much with Alberto and her work environment. It made Sergio boil with rage whenever he thought about how they treated her back in Spain. They humiliated her completely and Alberto was the one who came out of that mess walking taller than ever. Sergio’s opinion about this was that when a victim of abuse comes forward it’s always ‘believe the victim until proven innocent’. And he knew that Alberto wasn’t innocent at all. The fact that the whole system failed Raquel made him so angry. A system she worked for for 20 years. A system she had trusted that it would always do the right thing. He had always known that the system was messed up, he never trusted it. But knowing how hard it has been on Raquel to turn her head around and see the other side of it makes his heart ache for her. He knows that his suggestion to move across the ocean with her, her mother and her daughter had been risky since at that time she was still very much involved in the system. But he wanted her to get out of there. He wanted her to see how wrong the system was and luckily, she did. It took her a year, but she came back to him. It has been a year filled with happiness and overall pure bliss but to see her struggle now physically pained him. He wanted her to trust him completely. He wanted her to know that she was safe here on their little island with him.

The rest of the day she distanced herself from him, reading her book or playing with Paula at the beach. He watched her from afar trying not to feel hurt. They were silent while eating dinner, only Paula excitedly rambled on about the beautiful seashells she found and all the colourful fish she saw in the ocean. Marivi eyed her daughter curiously but Raquel refused to look at her or Sergio. When dinner was over, Raquel was quick to tell Paula that it already was her bedtime and although the little girl protested at first, she was quickly bribed when Raquel offered to read her favourite bedtime story to her. They both left and Marivi looked at Sergio questionably.

‘She’s been having a rough day.’, he excused her, not wanting to go into details. He went to clean up the kitchen and then left for their bedroom. When he couldn’t find her there, he assumed that she was still with Paula, so he laid down on the bed and grabbed his book and began reading. After a while she still wasn’t back, and he grew slightly worried about her. Not that she could go anywhere on this island but after today he didn’t know what she would do. He got up and decided to look for her.

Raquel was sitting by the beach deep in thoughts. Ever since she had that panic attack she couldn’t stop thinking about it and her time with Alberto. The memories came rushing back and she could feel every blow on her skin. Her ribs ached where he used to kick her when she was on the floor. She felt his hands around her throat when he choked her once after she went to work in a sleeveless blouse, and he accused her of cheating on him because of it. She was reliving it all in her head if she wanted to or not. She was tired of fighting it so she just let it happen. She thought about how he completely ripped her of her confidence. She was so afraid and alert all the time that she could tell by the way he closed the door to their house if she was in trouble or not. In the beginning she tried to fight him but she quickly gave up as that only seemed to anger him more. In the end she didn’t leave because she wasn’t able to take it anymore, no she left because she was afraid he would hurt Paula. She left him so that Paula would be safe. She felt so incredibly weak right now and she blamed herself for what he did to her. She knew it was not her fault but it was so easy to believe something you’ve been indoctrinated for years.

‘Don’t wear that skirt to work or do you want to attract other men?

Put Paula as your profile picture, I don’t want other men texting you and think that they can talk to you.’

‘If you behaved better I wouldn’t have to do this to you every time. I wouldn’t have to hurt you. This is all your fault.’

His voice wouldn’t leave her alone and she closed her eyes and tried to focus on the ocean. She hated that he still had this much of an impact on her. She hasn’t seen him in over a year but she can still remember everything he said to her, every hit, every manipulation tactic, everything. She was so exhausted of having to relive it every single day. She thought she was doing good, living on this island with the love of her life, her daughter and her mother was the best thing that could happen to her. She was so much happier now but every now and then her mental health slipped and her trauma came back. It was like it was just waiting around the corner to torture her again whenever she was too happy for too long. She didn’t trust her happiness, always knowing that at one point she would slip and fall back into her old habits.

As she heard footsteps approaching behind her she opened her eyes again. Sergio came to stand next to her and looked at her.

‘Do you mind if I sit down?’, he asked her and she shook her head but refused to look at him. Sergio sat down next to her, careful not to touch her since he didn’t know if she wanted to be touched right now. They were both silent and looked out onto the ocean. The sun was nearly down and it made everything appear golden. As Sergio looked at Raquel he noticed how tired she looked. Her posture was lacking and she had her arms wrapped around her knees as if she wanted to protect herself from something.

‘Raquel I know you don’t want to talk about it but at some point you have to. You can’t continue to ignore your feelings and push me away. It doesn’t work like that. You once said to me yourself that we’re a team now and we’re in this together. Let me be there for you. Let me be the one to hold you when you’re falling’

She finally looked at him and her eyes reflected all the pain and fear she was feeling right at that moment and his heart broke for her. He wanted to reach out to her and make her feel his love. If he couldn’t make her understand with words he wanted to show her physically.

‘I don’t know what I’m feeling, Sergio. When I had the panic attack it felt like I was right back there. I heard his voice in my head. ‘What were you thinking talking to me like that. Who do you think you are?’. The way you reacted to me caused me to go into panic mode because whenever I stood up for myself in front of him, he abused me. I know that you would never hurt me but the situation triggered this reaction in my brain and I suddenly I couldn’t see. It’s like I was back there with him and I felt everything all over again.’

Sergio felt the rage inside him built up as he wanted to hurt Alberto the way he hurt Raquel. He was so protective of her it sometimes overwhelmed him.

‘It wasn’t only hitting he did to me.’, she went on. Sergio was alarmed, she hasn’t told him about those parts. ‘Once he choked me and I nearly passed out. He also forced me to sleep with him even when I didn’t want to. He would gaslight me into believing that this is what a good wife does. He made me believe that I owed it to him somehow. At first I tried to fight him, I didn’t want him to do those things to me but in the end I just let him do whatever he wanted to. I felt ashamed. I blamed myself for such a long time. I didn’t fight back. I was weak.’

‘You’re not weak Raquel-‘

‘But I am. I didn’t leave him. Only when I realised that he might hurt Paula it clicked and I packed my things and got out. I didn’t leave him because of me. I left him because I was afraid he would hurt Paula.’

She looked at him with tears in her eyes. It scared her that she was so open with him now. She wanted nothing more than to run away and hide. But she had to be open to him, she had to let herself be vulnerable. She wanted him to see her.

Sergio didn’t move but he took her hand and squeezed it. He wanted to let her know that he was right here in front of her.

‘You’re not weak cariño. You’re so far from weak. You protected your daughter. You went through years of humiliation and abuse and you managed to get out on your own. No matter the reason, you got out. You built yourself a new life away from him. You went through the aftermath alone. You left the police when you saw right through them and the system. You came here on your own without knowing if I even was here. You trusted me to take care of your daughter and your mother. You trust me enough to tell me about what happened to you. Raquel you are the strongest person that I know. Don’t ever let your head tell you otherwise. I know it’s easy to believe what’s in your head and I know that you’re tired of fighting it.’ She looked at him in disbelief. ‘Yeah you can’t hide everything from me. I know you long enough to be able to tell when something is bothering you. And let me tell you that what happened to you is not your fault okay. It never will be. No matter what Alberto made you believe. It wasn’t and will never be your fault.’

By now she was crying but she didn’t try to hide her tears. She let them run down her cheeks while she looked at him with so much love and adoration. He wiped her tears away and held let his hand rest against her cheek. She leaned into the touch and closed her eyes again.

‘So let me help you, Raquel. Let me be there for you on your darkest days. Let me pull you out of the cave. We’re in this together remember. I might not know what exactly you’re going through at times but I will try my best to support you and at the same time give you space when you need it. But please don’t shut me out again. I will also try and avoid certain triggers for you but you have to help me.I want you to be able to fully trust me. I will support you through this, I’ll be right by your side whenever you need me. I’m here and I won’t go anywhere.’

He still held onto her hand and she was very grateful that he was there with her, right in that moment. She leaned onto his shoulder and he wrapped an arm around her. They were both silent for a long time, not wanting to disturb the bubble they were in. After a while she lifted her head again and looked at him.

‘Thank you. I was so scared to open up to you and how you would react. I think today made me realise that I still have a lot of work to do. I can’t ignore these feelings any longer. It’s easier but it’s not good for me or our family. I want this with you. I trust you completely and it still scares me sometimes. I thought I’d never be able to trust a man again after Alberto. But then you came along and you made me believe in love again. I was just living from day to day, going to work, coming back home. I didn’t do anything else. But you made me feel alive again. Remember when you said to me that you don’t want to ignore this desire to feel alive? That’s how I feel with you, too. God, Sergio you made me feel things again I thought were lost.’, she felt the tears again. ‘I love you Sergio and I do not want to hide anymore. We’re in this together, as a team.’

Sergio had tears in his eyes when he looked at her. The pain from before was gone. All he could see now was love and strength. He admired her so much for always finding even the tiniest spark in the dark. She held onto it without knowing where it would take her. She was so incredibly strong and soft at the same time he felt his heart burst with love for her.

‘I love you, Raquel. We’re in this together.’

As he kissed her she held onto him as if he was her lifeline. In a way he was. She knew she had to go through this herself but it felt good to have someone by her side who believed her and supported her. It felt good not to be alone.


	2. Chapter 2

The scars on my mind are on replay – Chapter 2

It’s been a week since Raquel’s last panic attack. Sergio did everything he could to understand and avoid her triggers. He’s been reading about PTSD and panic attacks and he’s been telling her about the things he learned. She really appreciated it although sometimes she felt a bit trapped. She still wasn’t very comfortable confronting her past and her trauma but she knew she had to push through. Sergio introduced her to some grounding techniques she could do whenever she felt the panic rise but she hasn’t felt the need to use them yet.   
This morning everybody seemed to be in a light mood. The sun was shining and a small breeze came over from the ocean. For breakfast Raquel made some coffee and pancakes for Paula. Her mum made herself some fruit salad and Sergio put some toast in the toaster. Raquel was feeling a bit under the weather. She was feeling dizzy and lightheaded and she didn’t know why. When she turned around to grab a plate for the pancakes she had to hold on to the kitchen counter. The move didn’t go unnoticed by Sergio and he rushed over to her.

‘What’s wrong?’  
‘I don’t know. I’m feeling a bit under the weather I guess. I’m just dizzy. I think I need to eat something.’, Raquel said and sat down on one of the chairs in the kitchen.  
‘Paula come downstairs, I’ve made your favourite breakfast.’, she called out for her daughter and got up again to put the pancakes on the table.

Paula nearly tripped on the stairs because she was so happy and excited she jumped and almost missed some. She hasn’t had her favourite food in a while. Honestly how somebody could get that excited about some pancakes was beyond Raquel.

‘Easy there cariño, there’s enough for everybody.’   
‘Mama can we go to the special beach today? You know the one with the many caves we found so many colourful seashells in.’, Paula asked and looked at Raquel with big puppy eyes. How was she supposed to say no to that?

‘I don’t know, love. I’m not really feeling well today and I don’t think I can walk to the beach in this heat.’

Paula looked at her, her mood went down immediately as she heard her mother say that.

‘But maybe Sergio can come with you and after you’re back you can tell me everything about the fish you saw and show me the beautiful seashells you collected, hm, how does that sound?’, Raquel quickly added as not to make her daughter even sadder.

As Raquel looked at Sergio to ask him if he was okay with that, he nodded and smiled at Paula.  
After breakfast Paula helped Sergio in the kitchen while Raquel was packing their bags. Sun cream, sandwiches, water, fruit and some clothes for changing. As she looked at Sergio and Paula she felt her whole body lighten up. They’ve gotten so close to each other during the last year. As Paula had adjusted to the situation pretty well she’s opened herself up to Sergio and since then the two have practically been inseparable. He’s read her bed time stories almost every night, he’s taught her how to play chess, he’s taught her about different psychological phenomena and Paula has been drinking it all in. Nothing could make Raquel happier as the love of her life and her daughter be this close to each other. She smiled to herself and grabbed the bags and went into the kitchen.

‘Alright you guys I’ve packed everything. How much more time do you need?’  
‘We’re finished.’, Sergio said as he turned around, ‘Paula go and change into your swimsuit and then we’re ready to go.’

Paula practically ran upstairs, carefully as to not trip on the stairs again. Sergio walked over to where Raquel was standing and looked at her. She leaned into him and breathed in his scent. He put his fingers under her chin and nudged her to look at him. As she did he bent down and kissed her. She wrapped her hands around his neck and tangled her fingers in his hair. He held her close as if he was afraid to lose her. Raquel put as much love and passion into this kiss as she could. She knows she hasn’t been a very attentive girlfriend lately and she hoped that with this kiss she could make it up to him a little somehow. She loved him so much but she had her difficulties showing it to him. But she did love him and she was so very grateful that he was right there with her and she wanted to show him and make him understand as much as she could. 

‘Are you going to be okay?’, he asked her, letting his hands rest on her waist to steady her as she was still a little lightheaded.  
‘Yes of course cariño. I’ll just go and lie down for a bit and I’m sure I will feel better after that.’, she smiled at him to reassure him that she really will be alright. He always got so worried about her.   
‘Sergio are you ready?’, Paula shouted while rushing back down into the kitchen. Raquel and Sergio turned around and looked at Paula. Sergio wrapped his arm around Raquel’s waist, and she leaned onto his shoulder.   
‘Sì´, we’re all set and ready to go.’

They said goodbye to Raquel and they took their bags and went outside. The beach wasn’t far away from their house, only a 20 minute walk. Paula was running ahead completely carefree while Sergio was walking a bit behind her. He loved doing stuff alone with Paula, not that he didn’t like doing stuff as a family but the fact that the little girl trusted him so much that she wanted to go on adventures with him alone was so precious to him. He was so afraid that Paula wouldn’t accept him or that she would simply ignore him but she opened up to him pretty quickly and he loved every single thing about it. He loved reading her bed stories or building sand castles on the beach although he hated the sand. He loved spoiling her with gifts whenever he found something that she might like. Raquel always told him off for that but he couldn’t help himself, Paula was just too cute not to spoil.   
As they reached the beach, Paula was already looking for seashells and crabs. Sergio put the blanket in the shade and sat down, watching Paula in case something happened. This caves weren’t dangerous but still you had to be careful sometimes. They could be really slippery and the waves were quite harsh when they crashed onto the rocks. 

Raquel was preparing herself some tea, she still didn’t feel any better and honestly she didn’t know what was wrong with her. Maybe it was something she ate, but it was also unbelievably humid today so it could really be the weather. She always had headaches back in Spain when the weather changed although back then she blamed it on the stress she was under from work. It was probably a combination of both. She left the kettle boiling and went into the bathroom to get changed. She locked the door and went over to the sink and turned the water on. She was washing her face and then proceeded to brush her teeth. When she was finished washing her face and had changed into more comfortable clothes she turned to the door and wanted to unlock it. The lock didn’t move. She was confused and tried again, this time she kind of pulled the door knob a bit towards her because sometimes that helped. Still, the lock wouldn’t move. She was stuck inside of the bathroom and nobody was home. Paula and Sergio were at the beach and her mum went to the market with her nurse. She slowly felt the panic rise and her throat became tight.

‘Breathe, just breathe. You’ll be fine.’, she tried to tell herself but it didn’t really help.

This situation reminded her of when Alberto locked her into their bedroom and made her call in sick for work only because they went to a work dinner with some of his colleagues and she had chatted with one of them all evening. He got really angry with her afterwards and accused her of flirting with that man. She tried to stand up for herself and told him that she was just having a respectful conversation with that man but Alberto wouldn’t want to listen and he started hitting her. She let him, what else was she supposed to do? The next morning he locked her in their bedroom and refused to let her out all day. The only thing she could do was go to the bathroom.

‘This is what you get when you flirt with other men.’  
‘Alberto I wasn’t flirting with him, I was just having a normal conversation. Please let me out.’  
‘No, you will stay in here and think about what you did. I will come back later and you can apologise to me and promise me to behave better in the future.’

The voices echoed in her head. She saw their bedroom in front of her. She felt that panic inside her rise again, that exact same feeling of panic she had back then. She was breathing way too fast now and she couldn’t see straight anymore. She was gripping the door knob desperately trying to turn it but it wouldn’t move. She was crying now and calling out for help even though no one could hear her. She was alone and she didn’t know what to do. She tried to remember the breathing exercises Sergio told her about and she could remember the one where you breathe in for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 3 and breathe out for 7 seconds. As she tried doing that she got it wrong the first few times and she fixated too much on the seconds that she forgot to breathe for a few seconds. When she realised that she was holding her breath she gasped and suddenly she felt very dizzy again. She was starting to see black around the edges and she couldn’t concentrate anymore. She lowered herself down onto the floor, just in case she would faint. The panic was still there, she couldn’t breathe as her throat felt too tight. None of her senses worked properly anymore and suddenly everything went black. 

Sergio and Paula were on their way back already because Paula tripped and fell over some stones. Nothing big, just some minor scratches on her knees but other than that she was fine. She even insisted on staying but Sergio got really worried that the sand would infect the scratches so they went back to the house. When they reached it Paula immediately called out for Raquel.

‘Mama, we’re back’

They got no answer. Sergio thought maybe she was outside in the garden behind the house. He went through to there but as he couldn’t see her he got slightly worried. 

‘Paula if you want to you can watch some TV and I’ll go and look for your mama okay.’ 

As Paula went into the living room to turn on the TV, he went upstairs into their bedroom. When he couldn’t find her in there either, he felt a slight panic rise inside of him. She didn’t feel very well this morning, what happened to her? She was in no state to leave the house so where was she?  
‘  
Raquel?’, he called out, ‘Raquel?’

He tried opening the bathroom door but when the door wouldn’t move his eyes went wide. 

‘Raquel are you in there?’ 

He got no answer.

‘Raquel please if you’re in there unlock the door.’, he desperately called out.

Inside Raquel slowly woke up again. She had no idea where she was or why she was on the floor exactly. Then she looked at the door and remembered and suddenly all the feelings she felt before she fainted were back. She tried standing up but felt too weak so she crawled over to the door and banged her fist against it in a weak attempt to make herself heard.

‘Sergio’, she tried calling out for him but all that came out was a hoarse whisper.  
‘Raquel I’m here, what happened? Can you please unlock the door?’  
‘I can’t. The lock got stuck.’  
‘Okay wait a minute I will be right back. Everything’s going to be alright.’

He left the bedroom and tried to find something he could unlock the door with. He found the drill in his office and went back upstairs. 

‘Okay love, I have a drill and I will try and drill through the lock okay.’

Honestly Raquel didn’t really hear him. She was too weak and too busy to concentrate on her breathing as she was still lying on the floor. Sergio started drilling through the lock when he heard it click and the door swung slightly open. He put the drill on the floor and opened the door completely. The sight he was greeted with broke his heart. Raquel was curled up on the floor, hair messy and she must have been crying because her eyes were all red and puffy. He quickly went over to her and dropped down next to her on the floor. When she noticed him she pushed herself up and wrapped her arms around his torso and just started sobbing. As he put his arms around her, he started drawing small circles on her back to help her calm down. He had no idea what happened but it didn’t matter right now in that moment. He just wanted her to calm down and be okay again and eventually she could tell him what happened.

‘I got locked in here.’, she started but as soon as she thought about it again she felt her breath hitch again.  
‘Shh it’s okay. You’re safe now. The door is open. I’m here. Nothing bad is going to happen.’, he stroked her hair and continued drawing circles on her back.  
When her breathing was back to normal again she sat up and took a deep breath.  
‘I just wanted to get changed but as I was about to get out to lie down and take a nap the lock got stuck and I couldn’t get out. It wouldn’t move no matter what I did. And I started to hyperventilate and I panicked and next thing I knew was that I woke up on the floor again.’, she looked at him, so defeated.  
He wondered what caused her to hyperventilate so bad because being locked into a room isn’t the worst thing that could happen to one. As if she could read his mind she opened her mouth and tried to explain what happened.

‘Alberto locked me in our bedroom once. We went out for dinner with a few of his colleagues and I had a conversation with one of them all evening. Later he accused me of flirting with that man and he abused me again. On the next morning he locked me into our bedroom and wanted me to think about what I did wrong. He threatened that he wouldn’t let me out until I apologised and saw my mistake. He left me in there all day and when I was locked in here, it took me right back to Spain and to that day. I heard his voice again. I tried doing that breathing exercise you told me about to ground myself but I was so focused on doing it right that I did it wrong and forgot to breathe completely. When I noticed it was already too late and I fainted.’

Raquel looked at the floor, ashamed that she got triggered, again. Her thoughts were racing as was her heart still. She still blamed herself for not being able to stand up the her panic and find a way out herself. She hated what Alberto did to her but most of all she hated that she still had to deal with it while he was probably living his best life.

‘Cariño, you’re safe now. He can’t hurt you anymore.’, Sergio said to her, ‘and I don’t know about you, if you’re up for that or if you’re ready to deal with your past with a professional but maybe it would help you. I hate not being able to be there for you all the time and help you through it and I don’t want you to get seriously injured the next time something like this happens again. I know it has to come from you so if you feel like you’re not ready yet, it’s okay but also remember that you can’t deal with this on your own completely.’

‘I know. I think I want to get help. Having a panic attack every time drains me physically and mentally and I’m honestly done with it. I also don’t want Paula to see me like that. I don’t want her to think that I’m weak or fragile.’, she sighed as she thought about the possible scenarios where Paula could see her like that and turn away from her. That was the worst thing that could happen to her.

‘Once again you’re not weak. Fragile maybe but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You show vulnerability and that is something most people can’t do and I admire you so much for that. And Paula doesn’t think you’re weak. Believe me, Raquel, she admires you so much, you’re her biggest hero.’

When she heard him say that she smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder. She breathed in his scent as she nuzzled her head into his neck. He was always able to calm her down with his words and his gestures. He was her steady rock in between her whirlwind of feelings. She was so grateful that he was by her side. She felt the tears dwell up in her eyes again.

‘Thank you. Thank you for being here and supporting me. Thank you for believing me and most of all thank you for doing this with me. It means so much to me that you’re here and I love you so much.’, she felt the tears run down her cheeks as her emotions threatened to overwhelm her. She loved him so much, she felt like she would burst any second.   
‘You don’t have to thank me. We’re a team, remember. I will always be right here for you and support you. I love you.’

She looked up at him and he wiped her tears away. When she kissed him it was like a thousand fireworks went off inside her. Even after all this time he still had that effect on her. She felt her breath hitch as he grabbed her waist and pressed her against his body. They were clinging to each other as if it was the last time they would share a kiss. She had her fingers in his hair and let out small moans in between kissing him. Suddenly he scooped her up and she cried out surprised and wrapped her arms around his neck. He carried her to the bed and after he put her down he started undressing her. He was taking off her top, luckily she never wore a bra in this heat and it made him smile. His fingers were running all over her body and it gave her goosebumps. She took off his shirt and then reached for his trousers but he stopped her.

‘Patience, this is about you.’

When she heard him say that her stomach tingled and she sighed and sank back down into the pillows. He kissed down her stomach and stopped right before the edge of her pants. He repeated that motion several times until she was squirming for contact. She wanted him, right now and she wasn’t willing to wait any longer. She grabbed his hair and tried to push him further down.

‘Someone’s eager huh.’, he chuckled and came back up to kiss her.

‘I want you, now!’, she said and bit his bottom lip.

He groaned and moved one hand to cup her right breast. He pinched her nipple and a delicious moan escaped her lips. He unzipped her pants with his other hand and moved back so he could help her get out of them, he took her panties right off as well. She was lying in front of him now in all her naked glory and he took a few moments to let his eyes roam over her body. He loved her body so much, every inch of her was perfect. He thought to himself that he would never get enough of her.

‘If you leave me hanging now I can’t guarantee for your safety.’, she flashed him a wicked smile and he could see that her pupils were already dark and dilated.

‘Let me appreciate your body for a minute. I feel like I don’t do it enough’

He let his fingers trail from one shoulder over to the other and then down to her collar bone. He continued the line further down between her breasts and let his hand rest right on top of where she wanted him the most. He wasn’t touching her anymore so she tried to jerk her hips upwards to get some contact but he moved his hand further away from her. He leaned down and kissed her once again and she lost herself in that kiss. Then he touched her and let his finger slide all the way up her entrance, her hips jerked and she let out a loud moan into his mouth. He slowly started rubbing her centre and took her breast into his mouth. She was breathing faster now and let out delicious moans. When he increased the pressure she called out his name and he had to kiss her to silence her.

‘We don’t want Paula to hear us, do we?’, he asked her with a playful undertone. She bit her lips and tried to suppress another moan as he continued his movements, a little faster now. As the pleasure threatened to overwhelm her, he slipped two fingers inside of her and pressed upwards. She arched her back and gripped the sheets so hard her knuckles went white. He continued his movements when he felt that she was close to the edge. He kissed her again and then went over to her neck. He gave her small love bites and that tipped her over the edge. He felt her tense and she cried out softly as her eyes rolled back and she gripped the sheets while she trembled through her release. He slowed down his movement and she pushed his hand away when she came back down from her high and opened her eyes again.

‘I love you Sergio, that was amazing.’, she said a bit out of breath.

He kissed her again and she pressed herself against his body.

‘Let’s take care of you now’, she said teasingly as she moved her hands to his chest and tried to turn them around so she was on top.  
‘No, this was all about you and besides Paula is downstairs watching TV and I don’t want to traumatise her when she decides to look for us.’, he chuckled and she smiled at him.   
They kissed for another several minutes until they heard Paula from downstairs cry out for them.

‘Mama, Papa, where are you?’

Sergio looked her Raquel and she saw the question burning above his head.

‘Did she just call me Papa?’

‘I think she did, yeah.’, Raquel smiled at him as he was looking at her with big eyes.  
‘She loves you Sergio and it was about time she called you that. I knew she wanted to do that for along time, she actually asked me one night if she could and I said yes. So you’re her new Papa now, love. We’re a family now.’

They both looked into each other’s eyes, feelings threaten to overwhelm them and they kissed again. Before the kiss could get too heated again Paula knocked on the bedroom door.

‘Mama, Papa, are you okay?’

Raquel and Sergio let go of each other and he handed her her shirt and her pants so she could get dressed again, while he opened the door and left the room. She could her their voices quietly as they both went down into the living room again.  
She sat on the bed for a little while longer thinking about how lucky she was that she found him and now they were a family. She smiled to herself as she thought about that never in her wildest dreams had she imagined herself right here on this island a few years ago. She was so grateful for everything he’s done for her and she couldn’t wait what the future will bring for them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MAYOR TRIGGER WARNING:// mention of rape and sexual assault 
> 
> Raquel deals with the trauma of her sexual assault and Sergio is there to support and listen to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again,
> 
> sorry it took me so long to update this but exam season just started and well uni hasn't been easy on me.   
> a big big thank you to anais (@mommymurillo) and nicola (@abnegation_) for proof reading and helping me. I appreciate you guys so so much.   
> also if you want to follow me on twitter it's @raquellisboax, feel free to do so.  
> hope you like this chapter, get your tissues ready.

The scars on my mind are on replay – chapter 3

It’s been a few weeks since the bathroom incident happened. Everything has been going very smoothly, except that they haven’t slept with each other since then. And it’s not that a relationship is supposed to be all about sex, but Raquel can see it in Sergio’s eyes. She can see that he worries about it, she can literally hear the questions that are in his head. But she just didn’t feel the need to. Of course, they’ve cuddled and they are always sleeping naked but anything further than that just doesn’t seem very appealing to her right now. She’s had this feeling before. Ever since she concluded that Alberto raped her, not once but multiple times during their marriage she always felt like sex wasn’t very necessary. It took her a long time to come to terms with it because honestly she just thought that it was something she owed him. They were married of course it’s something a good wife does. And she always wanted to be a good wife to him otherwise it would end very bad for her. But ever since their divorce she’s come to terms with it and she realised what he did to her and how wrong it was. 

In the beginning of her and Sergio’s relationship it was fine however, something has changed and she doesn’t know what. Maybe it is because the recent events have triggered it again. The past weeks have been quite stressful to be honest. They have found a therapist to try and help her deal with her trauma and it’s been going quite well. It’s hard to talk about it but nobody said it was easy. Her nightmares don’t bother her every night anymore and she’s gotten so much better in dealing with a panic attack or a flashback. Her therapist has given her some tasks to work on and she’s been doing them every day. Recently they spoke about Raquel’s sexual assault and ever since then it’s like her body just closes the walls whenever her and Sergio want to sleep with each other. It’s not like she doesn’t want to, it’s just that she can’t sometimes. She doesn’t enjoy it no matter how good he is. Her therapist told her that it’s a normal reaction and she doesn’t need to feel guilty about it but she still does. She knows it’s been eating Sergio and he was just too polite to ask what’s wrong. There’s nothing wrong with him, this is her problem and she needs to tell him before it gets too big.   
She’s walking through the house to find him when she sees him standing on the porch watching Paula and Marivi playing at the beach. She will never get tired of this view. She really is living in paradise and sometimes it’s hard to accept that after all she’s been through. But she knows that she deserves this and she’s happy. She’s happy to be living with the love of her life, her daughter and her mother on a beautiful island not having to worry about a thing. 

She’s walking towards Sergio and when she reaches him, she wraps her arms around his middle and leans against his back. She inhales his scent and just wants to hold on to him forever. 

‘Mi amor, are you alright?’, he asks her and turns around to face her.   
‘Yes, but I think we need to talk about something’, before he could say something, she continues, ‘I know it’s been bugging you and you didn’t want to ask me about it. Thank you for respecting that I needed some time and thank you for not pushing me to talk about it. I wanted to talk to my therapist about it before I talked to you. I completely trust you but I still wanted some clarity before I’d come and speak to you about it.’ 

He looked at her dumbfounded like he had no idea what she was talking about. She rolled her eyes at him, sometimes he could really be a little clueless as to what’s going on around him.

‘Sergio, I know it has been bothering you that we haven’t slept with each other since my attack in the bathroom. And don’t lie to me because I can see through you, you are like an open book sometimes. And I wanted to talk to you about it and to explain it to you because if we don’t talk about it we will just end up fighting and I don’t want to fight with you. Should we go to the living room and sit down?’

He just nodded and she took his hand and with one last look in Paula’s and Marivi’s direction they went inside and sat down on the couch.  
She wanted to begin but he interrupted her. 

‘Raquel before you begin I just wanted to say that it’s okay that we haven’t slept with each other in weeks. It doesn’t really bother me but sometimes my head just goes spiralling and I can’t help it. I still believe you deserve someone better than me and it’s hard to believe that you chose me.’

She looked at him and all she could see was love. She leaned over to him and kissed him. They stayed like this for a few minutes. Just kissing and pouring everything they felt into their kisses. When she pulled away, she took his hand and leaned her head against his shoulder. 

‘Okay here it goes. If I don’t get it out now, I probably never will. Just listen to what I have to say and then you can decide what you want to do or say okay but please don’t interrupt me because it’s really hard for me to talk about it.’

She exhaled and he sat up straight, mentally bracing himself for what was about to come. He hated seeing her like this. He hated watching her struggle with her head and her thoughts and he wished he could take it all away from her. But knowing that it was her own struggle and all he could do was support her and hold her when she needed it had to be enough. He tried his best to be her support system.

‘I was talking to my therapist about that we were having issues in the bedroom, well not really issues just you know, and we also talked about the things Alberto did to me during our marriage. Remember when I told you he raped me? It took me a long time to come to terms with it and I never really acknowledged it because I didn’t think it was rape. We were married. I thought I owed it to him. But I did say no to him and he ignored me, he ignored me every time and after some time I didn’t even say no anymore. I just let him do what he wanted to do to me. That way it was over quicker. I remember closing my eyes every time it happened. And after I realised that what he did to me was marital rape the idea of sex just felt completely wrong to me. I never wanted to have sex ever again. I felt disgusted every time I saw my body naked. I felt disgusted every time I had sex with a stranger but I didn’t know what was wrong with me so I just waited for it to be over and never really dealt with it. And it went away. When I met you – Jesus Sergio I couldn’t wait to sleep with you. From the first moment I saw you I was so attracted to you and it felt so good when we did it in that filthy warehouse’, she chuckled, reminiscing in that memory, ‘but ever since I had that panic attack in the bathroom the feeling is back. Not quite the same because I don’t feel disgusted every time I see my body naked or when I think about sex with you. It’s just that my body closes its walls and I snap out of being aroused. It’s like a switch is flicked and the feeling’s gone. And I know it’s been leaving you frustrated and I’m sorry for just turning away every time when we were on it. I just can’t help it. It’s a trauma response and it’s common for victims of sexual assault, or so my therapist said. Honestly, I still don’t feel comfortable calling it rape what Alberto did to me because it makes me vulnerable and it makes me a victim. And you know how much I hate being a victim. I hate that this still controls me but I never really dealt with it and now I’m here three years later and guess what? Not talking about it and just simply ignoring it didn’t get me anywhere. In fact I’m now pouring my soul out to the love of my life when he doesn’t deserve any of this at all. He deserves a happy relationship without any baggage from the past.’

She stopped herself because she could feel the tears rising.   
He didn’t know what to do, if she wanted to be held but knowing her she mostly like didn’t otherwise she would break down completely and she wouldn’t be able to finish talking about what she’s started. So he just touched her shoulder as to let her know that he was there and she looked up at him, smiling, wiping her nose on her hand.

‘But I think we’ve already established that I have a lot of baggage and I have to deal with it. I really appreciate that you’re there for me and that you’re patient with me. You don’t even realise how much that means to me, ‘she sniffled and moved closer to him, ‘I want you to know that this problem doesn’t have anything to do with you. This is a problem with me and with my head. I do still want to have sex with you it’s just that I physically can’t as soon as we’re right in the middle. I think the last few weeks triggered this feeling again since I was fine when we met. But that’s just how trauma works. It creeps up on you when you least expect it. It comes back to you when you’ve been happy for too long, when things have been too good. And I’m really sorry that it has happened now, I didn’t plan for it to do so. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with it still after all these years.’

‘Raquel can I say something?’, he asked her, not wanting to intrude on her but he felt like he would burst any second with what he had to say.

‘Go on’

‘Please stop apologising every time you talk about what happened to you. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this but it is not your fault. What happened to you is not your fault and it never will be. I also want to remind you that I was the one who asked you to move across the ocean with me. I was the one who said ‘Vamonos’ that night at your house. Do you remember that? I wouldn’t have done that if I hadn’t been 100% sure that I wanted it. I might not exactly have known what I signed up for but I do not want to change a thing about what we have right now. I love living with you and your family. I never thought I would enjoy someone’s company so much but it seems like I can’t get enough of you. And I am here for you at every step of the way no matter how long the journey is or how many mountains we have to climb. I would climb the damn Everest for you if it meant that you would be okay.’

Raquel chuckled slightly and tears were running down her cheeks. She wrapped her arms around him and nestled her head into the crook of his neck. Sobs started escaping her mouth and he wrapped his arms around her and just held her tight, waiting for her to calm down again and stop crying.   
After a while her sobs turned into muffled cries and she removed herself from him again. He took her face into his hands and gave her a kiss on her forehead which earned him a generous smile from her.

‘So what do we do to deal with this? I won’t lie but I don’t want us to never have sex again. It’s really hard having to keep my fingers to myself when you look like a goddess all the time’, he said to lighten up the mood and she slightly threw her head back and let out a laugh. God he adored her so much.

‘My therapist said that it’s all about finding my body again and listening to it when it tells me things. She said the feeling will eventually go away and we will have a normal sex life like every other couple again but it might take a while. I need you to be patient with me and not push me to do things that I don’t want to do. I know you never would but I’m just telling you so you know. I also need to stop pushing myself because it will only leave us both frustrated. I need to trust my body again and I need to find my way back to my inner voice. She also said to start with small things like just cuddling or dancing together’, he raised his eyebrows, ‘Yes I know you’re not a good dancer but it’s not about that. It’s about finding the bond between us again and making it even stronger. I believe that we can do this and when we will have overcome it believe me we won’t go a night without sleeping with each other. Yo sí que te voy a cansar.’

He nooded and they both laughed while looking at each other and turned their unspoken words between them into kisses. Their kisses were soft and full of love. They poured everything they felt for each other into them and when they stopped Raquel once again wrapped her arms around Sergio and hid her head in the crook of his neck. He drew small circles on her back and breathed in the scent of her hair. For some reason he would never get enough of her and the way she smelled. 

‘So what do you say? Are you up for it?’, she asked him, hopefully.

‘Sí claro, cariño. I will do everything in my power to help you, you know that. I want you to be happy and I want you to be safe with me. I appreciate that you were able to talk to me about this, I can imagine how hard it must have been for you. I love you and I won’t ever stop doing so. You are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with and if we have to climb a few mountains on the way then so be it. I’m a good climber and I certainly am willing to do everything just so you feel comfortable with me.’, he smiled reassuringly and took her hands into his and squeezed them. 

‘Thank you’, Raquel said, ‘I love you and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.’

‘Mama, Papa, look what I found?’, they heard Paula from outside. 

The little girl was carrying something while running towards the house to show them. When she reached the two, she opened her hands and revealed a beautiful white shell with pink speckles all over.

‘Oh Paulita, that’s a very beautiful shell. How about we go and collect some more so we can make a necklace out of them?’, Raquel asked the little girl knowing that her daughter wouldn’t say no to that. 

The girl nodded enthusiastically and turned around to run outside again. Raquel got up from the couch and kissed Sergio one last time before leaving to go after her daughter.  
He looked after her and thought to himself what he had done in his previous life to get so lucky for getting to spend the rest of his life with this phenomenal woman and her family on this island. It was too good to be true.


	4. Date night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so everybody voted for soft soft on my twitter (@raquellisboax) so here you have soft soft. and since the news of lcdp ending made us all very sad I hope this will cheer you up.
> 
> Thank you to nad (@gilliansitziar), zara (@raquelmurilloes) and anais (@mommymurillo) for proofreading it, I appreciate you guys so much.

Raquel was standing in front of their bedroom mirror eyeing herself up and down. She was wearing a light summer dress with a flowery imprint and had applied some make up. Her and Sergio were going to go on a date, the first one in months. Paula was at her friend’s house and Marivi is being taken care of by her nurse. Raquel was excited for this night, Sergio made a big secret out of it. He refused to tell her where he was taking her and what the actual plans were for the night. She was very excited although a little anxious. Not about the date, just about the evening in general. She hasn’t been on a date in so long and even though it’s Sergio she still gets nervous sometimes.

Sergio was in the kitchen, drinking the last bits of his tea. He was thinking about what he had planned for tonight and it made his stomach tingle with happiness. He asked Marivi what she thought about his plans and it made her cry. Tears of joy of course, otherwise he would have cancelled everything and re-planned the whole night. Honestly all he needed was Marivi’sapproval for it and when she gave it to him, he felt like he would burst. 

He heard heels clicking on the floor and when he turned around he was left speechless. Raquel was standing in front of him, the sun was highlighting her golden eyeshadow and her hair was loosely falling onto her shoulder. She was wearing a dress he had never seen before and he just couldn’t get enough of her. He tried to say something but nothing came out, she was so beautiful and she didn’t even know it.

“Too much?”, Raquel asked him, nervously playing with one strand of her hair.

“No...no, you look absolutely beautiful. Honestly, mi amor, I’m speechless.”

She chuckled and went over to him to hug him and give him a kiss. He wrapped his hands around her middle and just held her. They stood in this embrace for a while until she moved her head to look at him.

“Okay, so where are you taking me?”, Raquel asked, eyeing him curiously.

“That’s still a secret I cannot tell you. You’ll see when we’re there.”

She let out a sigh of frustration but he knew she wasn’t really frustrated. She just hates surprises, but this time he really couldn’t tell her beforehand. To be honest it took a lot out of him to not just tell her, he felt like it would just jump out of him at any second. But he really wanted it to be a surprise for her.

He planned the evening weeks in advance, he wanted it to be special. Date night wasn’t something that they could experience very often with Paula demanding almost all of their attention when she wasn’t at school. And Marivi’s good days became rarer and rarer and it hurt him to see her float away. It was taking a toll on all of them, especially Raquel who had to watch her mother rush in and out of lucidity. So he just wanted this evening to be perfect and he was a bit nervous about something going wrong.

“Mi amor, are we ready to go?”, Raquel asked to bring him back to her. She could see the thoughts running through his head. She knew he was worried about this evening, after all he planned it all on his own and kept it a secret so it must be something very special. But she was sure that there was nothing to worry about, knowing him he had probably planned out every possible scenario and had a solution for each one so she was sure that everything would go according to plan.

‘Yes, vamos. The car is parked outside already.”

She raised her eyebrows playfully looking at him: “Oh we have a driver? This must really be something special then.”

He watched her go while thinking that she had absolutely no idea what was about to come.

——————————————————————————————————————————

_“Hello Sir, how can I help you?”_

_As Sergio entered the jeweller shop, he was greeted by a young woman with a nice smile._

_He was so anxious, all he wanted to do was turn around and run away. But no, he wanted this. He’s never been so sure of anything his entire life._

_“Hello, uhm I’m looking for a ring.”_

_“What kind of ring are you looking for?”, the woman asked him while getting out a catalogue, “We have normal silver and golden rings, engagement rings, wedding rings-“_

_“I’m looking for an engagement ring. Nothing too simple but also nothing too extravagant. It should have a small calcite stone or a citrine stone in it. Do you have any rings that contain those stones?”, Sergio asked her, not even bothering to look at the catalogue she spread out in front of him. He knew exactly what he wanted the ring to be like and he wouldn’t accept any less._

_“Oh today’s your lucky day then Sir because we’ve just gotten a new collection this morning and the rings all have gemstones on them. I’m sure there will also be the ones you’re looking for. Wait a minute I’ll go and find the ones you are looking for.”_

_And with that the woman went off to the back of the shop and Sergio went to look around for a bit. He could hear her move some boxes and scrunch up some wrapping paper. He kind of felt sorry that he was causing so much trouble just for one ring but the woman he loved deserves more than ‘just’ a ring. She deserved the whole world and eternal happiness. He never wanted to see her unhappy again and he wanted to be there for her on her way of healing. He knew it would still take a long time for her to get over what she’s been through. Healing isn’t a straight line, it’s a roller coaster almost all of the time. When you think you have finally reached the top it’s just a small hill and you’re already going down again on the other side._

_He wanted her to know that he would support her through this, all of it. And that he would be there, forever. And with this ring he would make it official and he really hoped she would like it otherwise he wouldn’t know what to do._

_He was so deep in thoughts that he didn’t notice the woman coming back holding four boxes in her hands. She placed them on the counter and cleared her throat to make Sergio notice her again. He turned around, a bit startled, and his eyes fell upon those four boxes._

_“Okay Sir, I have found four rings for you. Three of them with a citrine stone and one has a small calcite stone.”, she said as she slowly opened the boxes._

_The first ring was gold with the citrine sitting on top of it held up by two small butterflies with silver gemstones engraved in them. It was beautiful and Sergio knew instantly that this was the right ring for Raquel. It wasn’t too simple but also not too extravagant. The butterflies were just the icing on the cake since Raquel’s favourite animals were butterflies. The citrine gemstone was beautifully shaped, not too big and not too little. He didn’t ever hear what the woman in front of him said about the other rings, he was too enchanted by the first one._

_“So which one is your favourite?”, she asked him, expecting Sergio to choose at least two of the four rings._

_“Oh, uhm the first one is my favourite. It’s not too simple, not too much. The stone is perfect and the butterflies are just the icing on the cake. It is quite simply the perfect ring for the love of my life. I will buy it.”_

_And with that he left the shop with the ring in a small bag and a smile on his face thinking about the fact that he actually bought an engagement ring. He couldn’t wait to go home and show it to Marivi and Paula, he hoped they would approve of it as much as he did._

_——————————————————————————————————————————_

Raquel was looking out of the window holding Sergio’s hand during their drive. He still hasn’t told her where they were going. She assumed he had told the driver the address beforehand since he seemed to know where he had to go.

They stopped in front of a huge, very well lit building. Sergio got out of the car and walked around it, opening Raquel’s car door and holding out his hand to her. She took it and get out of the car, comfortably settling herself next to him.

“Are you ready?”, he asked her, anxiously looking at her.

“I don’t think I can be ready for something when I don’t know what’s going to happen, but yes I’m ready.”

And with that they walked into the building. It was even more beautiful from the inside than the outside. It had an open ceiling, with philodendrons hanging from it. Small simple chandeliers were giving the room a comfortable charm and the walls were made out of glass so you could see glow of the city. Raquel was mesmerised by the whole setting while Sergio led her through the restaurant to the back where it was a bit more secluded from the rest of it all. They sat down in a small booth and a waiter was already there giving them the menus.

As Raquel looked at the menu in her hand she realised that this wasn’t just an ordinary restaurant, well it was quite obvious by the whole environment, no it was a 5 star restaurant and the menu consisted of 3 main courses with a few appetisers in between. She looked at Sergio, eyes full of love. This must have been really expensive, she thought, but he is a millionaire so it probably didn’t bother him too much. And she knew he would spend any amount of money to make her happy.

“Too much?”, he had been looking at her for the past 5 minutes trying to figure out what she was thinking about this all. He knew the restaurant was a bit over the top but the best was yet to come and if she didn’t like the restaurant he wouldn’t know what to do.

“No darling, I love it. You really went all out for this evening, didn’t you?’

‘Well this is only the beginning, mi amor. The best thing is yet to come.”

She raised her eyebrows and wanted to say something back to him when the waiter interrupted them again.

“Good evening, it’s a pleasure to have you here. I’m going to be your waiter for tonight. We’re going to start with a small appetiser, it’s different olives marinated with fresh thyme and lemon and on the side we have bread that’s made with our secret recipe with normal and salted butter.

Would you like to start with champagne or do you want to start with wine right away? If you choose wine, I’d like to introduce you to different wines as they come with every course we will serve you tonight or you could also choose one wine and stick to it all evening.”

Raquel was a bit overwhelmed by all the information she just received so she just nodded her head at Sergio in order to let him now that she was fine with whatever he would choose for them.

“We will choose the champagne first and then have a bottle of Merlot throughout the whole menu.”, Sergio said to the waiter and he took their menus with him and left.

Raquel reached over the table to intertwine her hand with Sergio’s. For a few minutes they just looked at each other. Raquel wished they could stay like this forever. It was like suddenly they were in a bubble, just the two of them, together. There’s nothing that could come between them.

“Te quiero mucho, Sergio”

“Yo también te quiero”

The waiter came back with their champagne and he was also carrying a bottle of water. How thoughtful of him, Raquel was actually quite thirsty.

Their menu started and they went through different courses all evening. It started with a filet of sea bass with saffron risotto followed by a sweet potato & porcini gratin and for the main course they had roast duck with dried cherry sauce and sage. In between they had little side courses which filled them up quite well and as they reached the desert they were finished with their wine.

“Did you enjoy your meals?”, the waiter asked them as he was clearing their table.

“Yes, we did. It was absolutely delicious, thank you so much.”, Raquel said with a warm smile on her face.

“Oh no need, have you decided what you would like for dessert?”

“Yes, we would both like to have the dark chocolate fondant and two glasses of Fonseca 1985 Vintage, please.”

The waiter nodded and left them alone again.

“Port wine, huh.”, Raquel asked Sergio playfully.

“Do you miss Spain?”

“Why?”, he asked, completely oblivious to her question.

“Port wine is from Portugal, honey. So since that is the country closest to Spain I was just wondering.”

“Well to be honest I do miss Spain but that’s not why I chose the wine. I chose it because it’s actually quite nice. I wouldn’t want to go back to Spain after experiencing what we have right here.”, he looked at her with a reassuring smile.

They got their dessert and the wine and Raquel couldn’t help but let a small sigh when she tasted the chocolate. It was the nicest thing she had ever had, she thought to herself. And Sergio was right, the wine really was good. She was excited for what he had planned next, assuming that this dinner wasn’t the only surprise she would get.

While Sergio paid for dinner, Raquel was waiting at the bar, drinking the last bits of her wine. When he came back with their jackets, which they took with them just in case there was going to be a downpour, she smiled at him and held out her hand which he took and they walked outside.

“So mister, where are we going now?”, she asked

“Let’s just walk down to the beach and walk along the shore. We can see almost all of the stars from there.”

When they reached the beach, they took off their shoes and walked along the sand. Raquel was so mesmerised by the milky way that she didn’t notice what was ahead of them. They were walking towards a blanket spread out on the sand illuminated by fairy lights.

Raquel was still looking at the stars, trying to remember the different constellations Sergio told her about when they were sitting in their hammock back at their house. She noticed that he was slowing down so she turned to him, opening her mouth already to ask him what’s wrong when she saw lights in the corner of her eyes and she turned her head and saw the blanket right ahead of them.

She stopped dead in her tracks which made Sergio look at her nervously.

“Sergio, what is this?”, she asked when she found her voice again.

“Oh this? I just thought you wanted to listen to me talking about the stars again while we’re drinking some more wine and cuddle by the beach. Without any interruption from Paula or your mum.”

He moved onto the blanket and poured them some wine into the glasses which were put there by the driver. Damn, he had to remember to thank him after this evening. He did a really good job with the blanket and the lights.

Raquel sat down next to him, took her wine glass and put her head on his shoulder to cuddle close to him. He wrapped his arm around her middle and breathed in her scent. She always smelled so good.

Raquel sensed that he wanted to say something but she didn’t want to push him so she just stayed silent. They kept on looking at the stars for another few minutes until he slightly moved away from her to face her.

_“Oh boy here we go. You can do this Sergio, you can do this. This is the love of your life in front of you, you can’t wait to spend the rest of your life with her. You can do this.”,_ he kept repeating the mantra in his head while he took her hands into his and looked down. Raquel was waiting for him patiently.

“Raquel, I don’t know where to begin. Before you came into my life, I was fine on my own. I thought I didn’t need anyone. I never really understood the fuss other people made about love and needing someone to complete them until I met you. You came into my life and hit me like a hurricane, quite literally…”, he chuckled. “I was planning and preparing every possible outcome for months but I never thought about you. I never calculated falling in love with you. I wasn’t prepared for it and you came into my life and from the moment I first spoke to you on the phone I couldn’t stop thinking about you. At first I wasn’t able to identify the feeling as I’ve never felt it before but when I spent the night at your house and I watched you sleep I knew I was in deep. I fell in love with you right there and then. I watched you sleep, listened to your even breathing and just thought about how I don’t ever want to be away from you again.”, he paused for a second to keep his composure.

Raquel’s composure was long gone as she was looking at him with tears in her eyes. She moved her fingers to his chin and nudged him to look at her. When he did she closed the distance between them and kissed him. She poured everything she felt in that moment into that kiss and her hunger for him overtook her as she deepened the kiss and wrapped her hands around his neck to keep him close. After a few minutes they let go reluctantly because they were out of breath. She kept him close by leaning her forehead against his.

“Raquel please let me go on or else I won’t be able to finish this.”

“Go on my love, I’m listening. I’m right here.”

He inhaled, closing his eyes before he went on.

“I am the luckiest man alive. I spend every day being grateful that I get to wake up to you next to me. I cannot imagine my life without you anymore. I don’t ever want to be without you anymore. So if you let me I will be there for you every hour of every day. I will support you through every thing, I will be there for you on your darkest days and on your brightest ones. I will hold you when you’re falling. I will love you when you cannot love yourself. I will take care of you when you’re sick. I will make sure that nothing and no one will ever hurt you again. I will look after our family and provide for them as best as I can.

So if you’ll let me…”, he looked into her eyes, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

He moved to get the ring out of his pocket, opened it and turned back to her.

“So, Raquel Murillo, will you marry me and spend the rest of your life with me on this island until we’re both old and wrinkly sitting in our hammock and watching our grandchildren play at the beach?”

Raquel was fully crying now unable to say anything so she just nodded her head enthusiastically and jumped into his arms to kiss him. She hid her head in his neck and he held her close waiting for her to calm down.

“Yes, yes I will marry you.”, she said after a while and kissed him again. “There’s nothing I want to do more than spend the rest of my life with you.”

And with that he took the ring out of the box and slipped it onto her finger. She eyed it totally in awe.

“It’s beautiful Sergio, I love it so much.”

“Really? It’s not too much?”, he asked nervously.

“No, I love how the stone fits perfectly between the tiny butterflies and it’s not too big and not too small. I adore it mi amor, thank you.”, she said lovingly.

They settled comfortable on the blanket again, her head in his lap. They were listening to the waves and he was telling her about the stars again. After a while she yawned and he noticed that she could barely keep her eyes open.

“How about we walk home and go to bed, cariño?”

She just nodded her head and they gathered their things. Sergio put the blanket and the lights back in the basket that was left there and he took her hand and they walked back to their house.

When they reached it, they went straight to their bedroom, undressed themselves and slipped under the covers. Raquel cuddled close to him and wrapped her arms around his chest.

“Te quiero mucho, Sergio. Thank you for being here.”

“Te quiero, Raquel.”

And with that he gave her a kiss on her forehead and they both fell asleep within seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The gemstones are gemini birthstones since Itzi is a gemini and the butterflies were added because she recently used the butterfly filter on instagram. 
> 
> kudos and comments are always appreciated <3\. love you lots guys, thank you for reading this


	5. In Sickness and in Health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raquel is sick and Sergio takes care of her. She has to learn how to be be taken care of and he has to learn how to take care of her. Old memories catch up again. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: mention of past abuse, domestic abuse, throwing up, medicine/drugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again, I was in my feels yesterday so I wrote a whole new chapter.
> 
> thanks again to and (@gilliansitziar) for proofreading and to all the wonderful people who reached out to me on twitter when I felt like deleting this whole story. Thank you, you really made me feel better. 
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated <3

_In Sickness and in Health_

Raquel woke up with a throbbing headache and she felt incredibly sick. Before she knew it she sensed that she needed to throw up and she rushed to the bathroom and opened the toilet just in time. It felt like her body was getting rid of literally everything that was inside of her. She didn’t hear Sergio come in, she only noticed him when he put a hand on her back and held her hair back.

“No, I don’t want you to see this. Please go away.”, Raquel said in between tears.

“I will not leave you here. You might pass out if you keep throwing up like that. I’m just gonna stay behind you and rub your back okay?”

She didn’t have the energy to fight him as she could feel her stomach rumbling again and she bent over the toilet again. This time it was painful as well and she winced. The tears stung in her eyes and her hair was sticking to her forehead due to the sweat.

It broke Sergio’s heart hearing her cry out in pain but all he could do was rub her back and hope the throwing up would stop soon. He wondered what caused this. It couldn’t have been the food they ate at the restaurant neither did they have too much alcohol. She must have caught something when she brought Paula to school since kids are always carries of some illnesses.

After a while she had nothing left in her and her stomach had calmed down. She slowly got up to go to the sink and wash her face and her mouth. Sergio held her tight the whole time and he noticed she was shivering. He still held her hair back when she washed her face and then they both moved back to the bed, his hands steadying her the whole time. They moved under the covers and she curled up like a ball in order to warm herself. He waited for her to fall asleep and then got up to go to the kitchen. As he looked through the cupboards he heard footsteps approaching behind him. He turned around and saw Marivi standing in the doorway, watching him with a smile.

“What are you doing up so early Sergio?”

“Raquel isn’t feeling too well and I am looking for some medicine and maybe some tea I could make for her but honestly I have no idea what I’m doing. Would you mind helping me for a minute?”, he asked her desperately.

“Of course, just sit down. I’ll make her some chamomile and ginger tea and I’ll cook some soup for her in case she wants to eat later. I hope I can still remember the recipe of the soup I always used to cook for her when she was sick as a child. It’s been a while since I had to take care of her.”

Sergio sat down at the coffee bar and just watched Marivi preparing the tea and the soup for her daughter. He felt a bit helpless but he never had to take care of someone before so he didn’t really know what to do. He could scold himself for not knowing anything about this. But truth be told it wasn’t his fault after all, all he knew was how to be taken care of and now the roles were reversed and he suddenly had to take care of someone he deeply loved. And it hurt him to know that Raquel was not feeling well. Hearing her throwing up while she winced in pain nearly broke his heart. He just hoped this would be over in a few days, he couldn’t stand her being ill.

He was so deep in thoughts that he didn’t notice Marivi placing the tea and some medicine in front of him. She also placed a bowl on the tray and some tissue paper.

“Thank you, Marivi. I really appreciate that. I’ll bring it up to her now but what do I do when she’s still asleep? Do I wake her up or do I let her sleep? I’m so sorry I never had to take care of someone, I’m useless.”, he rambled, unable to look into Marivi’s eyes, ashamed of himself.

“Ay no need to thank me and just place the tray on her bedside table and let her sleep. The tea is boiling hot so it will still be hot in an hour and knowing my daughter she won’t sleep longer than that. When she was little she used to wake up every other hour when she was ill. And don’t worry too much about taking care of her. I’m here for you if you need any help but Raquel doesn’t need much. Just be there for her and make sure she takes the medicine, she was never a huge fan of those, she always refused to take them and it was a nightmare dealing with that every time. And don’t worry about Paula, I will take care of her today.”

Marivi gave him the tray and he nodded, thankful that she was having one of her good days. He went upstairs again and opened the door to his and Raquel’s bedroom. She was still soundly asleep so he was very careful not to make too much noise and placed the tray on her bedside table. He went around the bed and got in taking his book and began reading. After a while he could feel her stirr and he moved his eyes away from his book and looked at her. She was slowly waking up, covering her eyes and groaning in discomfort.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’ve been better. My whole body hurts and I think I have a fever as well now.”, she said, her voice all hoarse.

He touched her forehead and she was indeed burning up. He remembered that his brother always put a cold cloth on his head when he had a fever.

“There’s some medicine on your nightstand. I’ll get you a cloth and some water from the bathroom and there’s also some soup your mum cooked for you. I’ll be right back.”

He got up from the bed and went to their bathroom again. He got a cloth and wet it.Then he got a glass and filled it up with water and went back to Raquel. He sat down next to her on the edge of the bed. She moved to sit against the headboard and took the water from him. He got the medicine and held it up to her.

“I don’t want to take that.”, she said scrunching her nose in disgust. He almost thought it was cute how she sat there in front of him, arms crossed in front of her chest.

“Please my love, it will make you feel better. It’s just ibuprofen to get rid of your headache. I will have to go to the pharmacy later and get something that helps with the sickness.”

“No need, I’m sure I’ll feel better soon.”, she protested.

“At least try to eat some soup then, please. It’s the same one your mum used to make for you when you were a child.”

She rolled her eyes but still took the soup from her bedside table and tried it. She managed to eat a few spoons when she felt that familiar feeling in her stomach again and before she knew it she was belching and Sergio just handed her the bowl because it was too late for her to run to the bathroom. It was more acid belching than actual throwing up and she was groaning in pain. When she was done she laid back down on the bed and closed her eyes completely exhausted.

“I suppose you don’t want any more of that soup, do you?”, Sergio asked her and she just gruntedin disgust and turned her back to him.

If it wasn’t her being sick the situation could be seen as funny but he was still so worried about her. He stayed by her side again until she fell asleep and when her breathing was even he got up and went downstairs again. He found Paula sitting on the sofa and Marivi in the armchair reading a book.

“Paula, do you want to play something? Should I teach you how to play chess again?”, he asked her knowing that she loved being taught by him.

“No papá, I want to finish that drawing for mamá so she feels better soon.”

He looked over her shoulder and saw that she was drawing them all as a family playing at the beach. He smiled and gave Paula a kiss on her head.

“I’m sure your mamá will feel better immediately when she sees that.”

They stayed inside all day not doing much. Marivi took a walk on the beach at some point in the afternoon and Paula and Sergio played chess. He taught her some different moves and he let her win to encourage her to keep playing with him. He would never tell her though.

He kept checking in with Raquel every now and then but she was sleeping most of the time. Her fever hasn’t gone down but at least she stopped throwing up. No wonder when she hasn’t eaten all day. In the evening when he, Paula and Marivi were all in the kitchen preparing dinner they heard footsteps approaching and Raquel stood in the doorway.

“What are you doing up, mi amor? You’re not supposed to leave the bed.”, he moved up to her in case she needed his assistance.

“I feel better already. I slept all day.”, Raquel said but he noticed her swaying slightly and when she moved to get a glass of water he could see her hands shaking.

“Please sit down, I’ll get you anything you want but you’re clearly not well.”, he begged her.

“Would you stop? I feel good enough to get myself a glass of water.”, she turned around to him but her movement was too fast for her body and she stumbled. He was quickly at her side steadying her.

“I can see how you’re better already. Would you please listen to your body and rest? Your fever hasn’t gone down one bit and you haven’t eaten all day.”

“Okay fine, maybe I don’t feel too well and my head is still hurting a lot. I might go back to bed.”

He kept his hands wrapped around her as they went back to the bedroom together and she got in between the covers again. He held the medicine out to her again and she took it without protesting. She was too tired and she closed her eyes and was asleep in seconds. Sergio sighed and just watched her sleep for a few minutes before he went downstairs again. They ate their dinner in peace and after he read Paula a bedtime story and she fell asleep in his arms he said goodnight to Marivi who was still in the living room and he entered their bedroom going straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth and get changed. Suddenly he could hear faint cries coming from the other side of the door.

“No, please don’t. I don’t want to. Please stop. OUCH.”

As he rushed into the bedroom he could see Raquel moving around in bed shielding her body from the imaginary blows she’s receiving in her nightmare. He didn’t want to scare her even more so he sat down next to her and lightly rubbed her arm to make her come back to reality. She flinched at the contact and moved away, repeatedly crying out in pain.

“Raquel please wake up. It’s just a dream, it’s not real. Please come back to me. You’re safe. We’re in Palawan far away from what happened to you. He can’t hurt you anymore. You’re safe with me. You’re safe.”, he kept repeating those words and after a while it seemed like she was calming down. When she opened her eyes he could see the fear but as soon as she saw where she was and realised that it was all just a dream she let out a sigh of relief and started crying. She hid her face in his chest and he wrapped his arms around her to make her feel safe.

“I’m sorry Sergio, I don’t know where it came from. I haven’t had a nightmare in weeks.”, she sobbed through her tears.

“Ay no mirame mi amor, the fever probably caused it but remember that you’re safe here. He cannot hurt you anymore okay. I’m right here and I won’t leave you alone.”, he said assuringly, kissing her head.

“Thank you Sergio”, she said after a while moving out of his embrace, “would you mind holding me until I fall asleep again?”

“No of course not. Anything to make you feel better.”

And he spooned her, holding her as close as he could and she fell asleep in his embrace and shortly after he was asleep as well and they didn’t wake you again until the next morning.

The next two days went by uneventful. He brought Paula to school every morning and Raquel was sleeping most of the time. She didn’t throw up anymore but she barely ate anything except a few spoons of soup. Her fever went down a little bit which was a big relief to him. Marivi taught him how to cook the soup just in case she wasn’t in the house when he needed some more. Paula was drawing more pictures for her mamá at any given time when she was finished with her homework from school. Sergio went to town to buy some groceries and get some more medicine because they were running out of it back at home.

By the fourth day Raquel felt strong enough to leave the bed and she walked downstairs where they were all sitting at the breakfast table.

“Buenos días hiya, how are you feeling?”, Marivi asked her daughter as she was the first one to spot her.

“Much better, mamá. I am hungry so I think that’s a good sign.”

She sat down at the table and smiled at Sergio while grabbing a piece of bread from the basket and began spreading honey onto it.

“Mamá, can I show you the drawings I’ve made for you after breakfast?”, Paula asked excitedly.

“Sí claro, cariño. I’ve missed you. How was school, did you learn any new things?”

And with that Paula began telling Raquel all about the new things she learned in school and about Sergio teaching her more chess. Raquel was listening to her daughter attentively while eating her breakfast. In the corner of her eyes she could see Sergio looking at her, watching her every move. She was grateful for him and how he took care of her during those three days and she felt a lot better. If he hadn’t been so incredibly insisting about her taking her medicine she would probably still be in bed. She didn’t lie when she once told him that she had no idea how to take care of herself. And that applied to everything. She had always ignored her body, her job did not really give her any other options. She wasn’t able to afford taking time off of work for being ill, everybody she worked with always expected a 100% from her so she had learned to ignore her body and show no weakness. Honestly she cannot count the amount of times she went to work feeling the absolute worst but still staying until the very end just so that people wouldn’t talk. It was already hard being a woman in a man's world she didn’t want to show more weakness than she had to. But now that she was living here in Palawan she didn’t have to do that anymore and she was grateful for that. It felt nice being taken care of, having someone who cared about her. She looked at Sergio and sent him a smile across the table. Paula was finished with her breakfast and ran off to get her drawings.

“Thank you.”, she said quietly to him.

“What are you thanking me for? This is what people who love each other do. They take care of each other. In sickness and in health.”

_“Yes”,_ she smiled to herself as she looked down at the ring on her finger, “ _in sickness and in health”._


	6. Therapy session

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raquel goes to therapy and talks about everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're not already following me on twitter please do because my dear friend Nad illustrated Serquel for me and you definitely should have a look at it. my @ is raquellisboax :)

Therapy session

Raquel woke up with Sergio’s arms wrapped around her. She snuggled closer to him, careful as to not wake him up, and just watched him sleep for a few minutes. She loved to do that whenever she got the chance to. Take him all in and just bask in it. She loved the laugh lines around his eyes, the freckles spread across his nose and his cheeks, his eyelashes; so perfectly curled that she was jealous sometimes. She let her fingers run across his jawline lightly and then rested her hand on his chest. She felt him stir and he opened his eyes.

“Good morning mi amor.”, he said, voice still hoarse from sleep.

“Good morning.”

“Have you been watching me sleep for a long time?”

“No, just a little while.”, Raquel said innocently and kissed him again.

They were both unwilling to get up from the bed since it was still early in the morning so they just kept kissing and cuddling close to each other. Their hands were sliding over each other’s bodies remembering the so familiar shapes. They smiled into each other’s eyes in between kisses. Sergio went down to her neck and nipped her earlobe which made her breath hitch and she let out a small moan. He peppered her neck with small kisses and went lower over to her collar bone. Her hand was in his hair holding him in place. She was clearly enjoying what he was doing but before they could go any further they heard their door open and small footsteps approached the bed.

“Can I cuddle with you?”, they heard Paula’s small voice and they turned around to see her standing in front of their bed with big puppy eyes.

Raquel was shooting Sergio an apologetic look, while she moved over for her daughter and patted the space next to her to invite her into bed. The small girl hopped onto the bed and cuddled close to her mamá, who wrapped her arms around her daughter and held her tight.

“Mi hija, qué te pasa?”, Raquel asked her daughter with a hint of worry in her voice. Paula rarely came cuddling anymore since she was in that state where she didn’t want to come across as a baby anymore.

“Nada, mamá. I just wanted to cuddle”

Raquel hugged her daughter even tighter and hid her head in her hair. She loved cuddling with her, she loved being close to her. After all they’ve been through together she was glad that Paula has not been too influenced by Alberto’s lies and that they found their way back to each other and came out even stronger.

Sergio was watching his girls when he decided to give them some space and go to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. He sometimes wished his brother was still alive to see him thriving with his family, their house, his life in general. He knows his brother would not believe him if he told him about how much of a family man he has become.

He was deep in thought when he felt two arms encircle his waist and a kiss pressed to his shoulder.

“Sorry about Paula, I don’t know why she came cuddling. She said she missed it.”, Raquel mumbled into his back apologetically.

“No mi amor,don’t be sorry about it. I just left so I could give you some space and decided to prepare breakfast. Besides we have all day today and we can continue where we left off.”, he smirked.

“You’re forgetting that I have to see my therapist today so I won’t be home until late in the afternoon.”

“Ah yes I completely forgot about that. Should I drive you?”, Sergio asked while flipping over the pancakes he was preparing.

“No no it’s alright, I’ll just take the bus.”, she shrugged and got some plates out to set the table.

“Paulita, can you help me please?”, she shouted for her daughter and a few minutes later they could hear her rushing down the steps to the kitchen, accompanied by Marivi who just woke up.

Raquel handed the plates to her daughter and got out some cutlery and some glasses.

“Good morning, mamá. How are you today?”

“Not so good, I think I will stay here all day instead of going somewhere. My head feels fuzzy.”

Raquel looked at her mother, appreciating her way of letting her know that today wasn’t a good day but worried at the same time because she did not know how much time they had left before her mother would forget everything and everyone. And she didn’t want to go there, she didn’t want to imagine living without her mother or living with her not recognising her anymore. It hurt too much to think about it so most of the time she just completely avoided the issue.

Sergio saw Raquel struggling with her thoughts so he moved over to her, cupped her face and pressed a kiss to her forehead. She smiled and leaned into him, staying in one another’s embrace for a while until Paula called out for them because she was hungry. They chuckled when they let go of each other and they all sat down at the breakfast table.

After breakfast Raquel got ready for her appointment with her therapist. She was a bit anxious, she hated talking about her fears and be vulnerable to a stranger but she reminded herself that it was good for her and her relationship. She wanted to get better and get rid of her panic attacks and her recurring nightmares; they were the hardest. It wasn’t the hits and the blows she had to take from Alberto, it was the psychological damage he caused and the way she still has to deal with it after all these years. She hated him for it and she hated herself for letting it get so far. She should have left after the first incident, but she was in love. And when you’re in love you see everything through rose coloured glasses and you ignore the warning signs. She shuddered to get rid of these thoughts because she knows she was self destructing and causing herself even more harm. She quickly finished packing her handbag and got changed into a dress and went downstairs again to say goodbye to her family.

“Where are you going mamá?”, Paula asked her.

“I just have an important appointment in the city but I’ll be back before you know it, I promise.”, she hated lying to her daughter but her and Sergio agreed that they wouldn’t put her issues on her daughter. Once she’s older she might explain it to her but for now Paula has been through enough, she didn’t need to deal with her mother’s issues as well.

She gave her mum a hug and kissed Sergio goodbye. He whispered into her ear that she would be okay and she smiled and got out of the house. She got on the bus and was on her way to the city.

———————————————————————————————————————————

“Hello, Miss Murillo. Your doctor will be right with you, until then please take a seat in our waiting room.”, the woman at the reception smiled at her but it did not help Raquel at all.

She sat down, noticing that her hands were very sweaty and she was very warm in general. She was nervous; although she shouldn’t be. It’s not like this was her first appointment with her therapist. It was just the feeling of uneasiness when addressing her issues. She wasn’t entirely comfortable with it and it was hard. After every session she felt incredibly exhausted and wanted to speak to nobody.

“Raquel Murillo?”

She heard her name and looked up to see her therapist standing in the door way. They greeted each other and Raquel followed her to her office. They sat down opposite each other and Raquel couldn’t help but keep her tense posture although her therapist’s office was a safe space for her. She knew she could tell her everything and she wouldn’t get judged for it.

“So how are we feeling today? It’s been a few weeks since we last saw each other, tell me what has happened, if anything has happened of course.”

Raquel smiled as she looked down at her hands and then looked at her therapist again.

“Uhm, well I got engaged.”, she couldn’t hold back the huge smile that was now plastered all across her face and she held out her hand to her therapist.

“Congratulations, that’s wonderful news. I assume that you have had a good time then.”

“Well yeah I did but I still had to deal with the nightmares. I had a particularly heavy one a few days ago and it shook me to my core. I honestly thought I was past this stage because they were getting better since I started therapy. I know you gave me some tips on how to deal with them but they’re so overwhelming and in that moment I seem to forget everything.”, she looked down ashamed at herself that she wasn’t able to fight her nightmares sometimes.

“Raquel look, the journey of getting better is not an even journey. You only started this a few months ago and you cannot expect your brain to unlearn the behaviour it had to adapt to in order to protect itself. You cannot tell your body to just stop doing what it’s doing in a moment of fear and panic when it has been doing that for years. It’s very hard to unlearn things that have worked in the past and it will take a long time. A few years even. And recovery is not a straight line. It’s a bumpy road with evil turns and sometimes there seems to be no road at all. But I know that you want this, I can see how much you want to get better so I’m convinced that you’re able to do this. You’re able to reach the top and when you do you won’t remember all the hurt and the pain you had to go through on your way there. You will only remember the feeling of finally being able to breathe properly again. You will be able to be happy again without the nagging anxiety in the back of your head questioning your happiness at every waking moment and just waiting for your sadness and guilt to rush back in. You will be okay again, I promise you.”

Raquel had tears in her eyes now, she knew it was a long journey. She knew it would take a lot out of her and she knew it wasn’t gonna be easy but god she couldn’t wait for the feelings her therapist just described to her. She wanted to be unconditionally happy again without doubting herself and mistrusting her judgemental skills.

“I have been feeling quite okay lately but I cannot seem to shake the feeling that something is going to come up and ruin what I built for myself. I also still blame myself for not leaving earlier, you know I saw all the warning signs. I had to deal with women who were abused by their husbands at work. I had so many cases with them and yet when it came to myself I ignored everything and just pretended that it didn’t happen. It took me so long to realise what he was doing to me wasn’t okay and the worst thing was that I couldn’t protect Paula from it. I don’t know if she heard us fighting or if she saw anything and I would never forgive myself if she did. I don’t want her to know that her mamá was too weak to leave her abusive father. But I also don’t want to destroy the image she has of her father, after all he’s her father. I know she still loves and misses him very much.”

Raquel stopped to take a deep breath in order to calm the rising feeling of panic inside her. She closed her eyes and started fidgeting with her hands.

“Raquel, breathe. You’re safe where you are. He cannot hurt you anymore. It is not your fault. The things he did to you and how you decided to deal with them are not your fault okay.”

She felt like she had cotton in her ears and her therapist’s voice only came through to her in bits. She tried to calm her breathing down but the memories came rushing back in. Suddenly she was back in Spain again in her house. She could see clothes scattered all over the floor and she heard Alberto’s footsteps coming towards her, she panicked even more and tried to hide behind the couch.

_“I told you to get rid of all of your short skirts and dresses. Why do you not listen to me?”, Alberto said in a threatening voice._

_“I like these, they’re some of my favourites, Alberto. I would still like to wear them from time to time. Just because you said I cannot wear them to work anymore, does not mean that I can’t wear them at all anymore.”, and with this answer she knew she went down the wrong road as she saw a glass flying towards her and shattering at the wall behind her._

_She tried to get away but she was not fast enough and Alberto grabbed her by her waist and threw her on the floor. She groaned as a shooting pain went through her ribs and then she felt the first kick……._

“Raquel? Come back to me. Whatever’s in your mind is not real. You’re safe right here. Come back to me, to this room.”, her therapist moved closer to her but did not touch her in case she would trigger the attack even more.

Raquel slowly opened her eyes again and recognised that she was still in her therapist’s office and not in fact in Spain as her head tried to fool her. She hugged herself to stop herself from shaking and she just let the tears stream down her face.

“I’m sorry. Oh my god I am so sorry.”, she sobbed and hid her face in her hands.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Raquel. This is a safe space. Now I know better what triggers your attacks so we can work on that even more. Why don’t we find some new techniques for you. So there’s this technique where you find one object around you and just focus your entire energy on it during an attack. You notice every little thing about that object. For example when there’s a clock around you, you focus on the way it’s ticking and how the hand on the clock moves and the shapes of the numbers. It helps some people to not get lost in their attacks and find a way back to reality. There are also some muscle relaxation techniques you can try during your attacks. So whenever you feel an attack coming up try to consciously relax ever muscle in your body. Starting with your fingers and going down to your feet. There are more techniques but I don’t want to overwhelm you and you can just try these two plus the other ones I already gave you and see how these work out for you.”

Raquel looked at her therapist gratefully, she wiped her nose and sat up straight again.

“Okay, I will try these techniques for the next time. Actually the panic attacks have reduced quite a lot since the first time I came here. And another thing is that I think my sex drive is back to normal. You know I think my head just needed to trust Sergio. My heart already did but my head did not. And Sergio’s way of making me feel safe and understanding me helped me so much to come to terms with it. I am so grateful I have him. I love him endlessly and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him.”, she smiled and looked down at her ring.

Her therapist was quiet for a while, just writing down on her notepad and looking at Raquel in between.

“What makes you happy, Raquel?”

“What do you mean? Uhm, my family, the life we have. Waking up every day knowing that it’s gonna be another day of pure bliss…. going to the beach together, cooking together, having film marathons together.”, Raquel rambled on and on but when she saw her therapist’s look she got quiet.

“What is it?”, she asked.

“Have you noticed that every activity you’ve just told me about includes other people? Family gatherings, family dinners, every thing is about your family. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, don’t misinterpret this but when was the last time you did something that didn’t involve other people. When was the last time you did something that made you happy, from yourself to yourself only.”

Raquel looked down at the floor as she couldn’t remember the last time she did something for herself that didn’t involve making other people happy. Her therapist was right. Her whole life has been about pleasing people, her mother, her father, Alberto, her colleagues. She constantly had to prove herself to everybody and from time to time she found pleasure in it. She loved impressing other people. She loved making them happy. And no it wasn’t a bad thing as her therapist said, but it turns into one when you completely neglect your own needs and ignore your own body. The last time she did something for herself that wasn’t because of other people was probably in her childhood. Even leaving Alberto was because of Paula. Moving across the world was for the love of her life.

“Uhm I don’t know to be honest, I cannot recall anything that I did to make myself happy that didn’t include other people. It was probably in my childhood… I don’t know, I’m sorry.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of or to be sorry for. Many people with trauma are not able to find something that makes them happy that doesn’t involve other people. They’ve come so accustomed to pleasing people and making them happy that they draw pleasure from it and before they know it it’s all they’ve ever known how to do. And it’s completely normal. It’s a kind of protection mechanism because your brain thinks that when you make people happy they won’t hurt you. But now you’re out of that abusive environment, you don’t need to protect yourself anymore. You have a loving family and a man who wants to spend the rest of his life with you. And I want you to find the things again that make you happy. It could be small things like taking a bath or reading a book. Or shopping for new clothes or going out to eat on your own. It can be simple things okay but I want you to find them again. Don’t let your happiness depend on other people, it never ends well.”

Raquel nodded and her therapist gave her another few tasks to do until their next appointment and then their session was over. They said goodbye to each other and Raquel went back to the reception to make another appointment in two weeks.

When she left the building she felt all the anxiety and tension leave her body. She massaged her neck and went to the bus stop to get the bus home.

———————————————————————————————————————————

Sergio and Paula were preparing dinner in the kitchen when they heard the front door opening. Paula jumped down from the chair Sergio put into the kitchen so she could look onto the kitchen counter and help him and ran towards the front door.

“MAMÁ, you’re home.”, the small girl exclaimed excitedly and threw herself into her mother’s arms.

“!Hola¡ cariño, I’ve missed you a lot.”, Raquel held her daughter and showered her with kisses, “Where’s papá?”

“He’s in the kitchen, we’ve been preparing dinner for you so you don’t have to do it. Papá said you’ll probably be really exhausted from your day so we wanted to do you a favour and make you happy.”, Paula stood up and took her mother’s hands and led her into the kitchen.

Raquel smiled at the sight in front of her. The counter was a mass with several cutlery spread out all over, Sergio was wearing an apron as to not spill anything on his clothes and he had tomato sauce on his face.

“!Hola¡ mi amor, how are you?”, he asked Raquel as he turned around to greet her.

She wrapped her arms around his waist and just put her forehead against his chest. He gave her a kiss on her head and drew small circles on her back.

“That bad?”

“No, no it was good. Exhausting but good. I’ll tell you about it later.”, Raquel said with a look to Paula.

She reached out one finger and got the tomato sauce from his face and licked it off. Sergio was clearly affected by her gesture as he cleared his throat and turned away.

“Okay Paula, can you please set the table?”, he said to their daughter and proceeded to stir the curry they prepared.

Raquel smiled and went over to stand next to him.

“What are you cooking cariño?”, she asked and took the wooden spoon from him. He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her neck which earned him a wholehearted laugh from her.His favourite sound in the while world.

“You’ll see in a minute.”, he said mischievously and let her go.

Raquel then turned around to help her daughter set the table. They enjoyed their dinner in silence, Marivi was already asleep. She didn’t have a good day and was too exhausted as well so she went to sleep early.

After dinner Paula was clinging to her mother and wouldn’t let go of her even when Raquel was right next to her in bed reading her a bedtime story. After a while Paula finally fell asleep and Raquel extracted herself from her daughter’s grip and get up to go to their bedroom. When she entered Sergio was already in bed reading his book.

“I’m gonna take a bath, wanna join me?”

Sergio didn’t need to think look about his fiancée’s proposal and got up from the bed and followed her into the bathroom. They undressed each other gently and got into the warm water, Raquel leaning against his chest, her head on his shoulder. He gave her small kisses on her neck and ran his fingers over her stomach. It earned him small sighs from her. They lost themselves in each other’s caresses and after their bath they got back to bed and fell asleep in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't hate me for not including a smut scene I honestly do not know how to write these when it's about straight couples lmao. yes serquel are my comfort otp and yes I'm a lesbian and what about it? 
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated <3


	7. Coming to terms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raquel is coming to terms with her past and they're going out on their boat.  
> Basically its of fluff and a little bit of smut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my girlfriend and lex (@muriIIoshands) for proofreading it and reassuring me that it isn't complete shit.   
> Sorry it's always taking me so long to update

It was a sleepless night for Raquel. She didn’t know what was wrong lately, she wasn’t prone to insomnia but lately she found herself lying awake almost every night and it was hard for her to fall asleep. And she always woke up early as well which only made it worse. The lack of sleep didn’t go unnoticed on her body, she was feeling weak and unmotivated to do anything. Sergio’s asked her what was wrong countless times but she assured him that she was fine and it was just the moon messing with her. Her mind just wouldn’t keep quiet at night or at any given minute of the day. Her thoughts were racing, she was overthinking every single little thing. Would this dress fit her? Is she cooking healthy enough? Is Paula happy? Is Marivi happy? Was she enough for Sergio? Sometimes she was fast enough to stop her brain from going to these places but lately she was too tired to fight them. She just let her mind wander to these dark places and gave in to the destructive thoughts that were so keen on convincing her that everything she was doing was wrong.

She hasn’t felt like this in years, she fought so hard to get rid of her self-destructive behaviours, of the thoughts that were eating her alive, telling her that she wasn’t good enough. Maybe she wasn’t dealing with everything the way she should. Although her therapist told her not to do it, she still bottled up her feelings and kept them hidden sometimes. It was easier after all, and sometimes she just wanted to feel nothing. She was tired of her racing mind, it always crept up on her when she was alone. She was fine when she was with her family and had things to do but she wasn’t when she was on her own. It’s not like she wasn’t used to being alone she just didn’t know what to do with herself. Back in Spain she was either always at work or busy with Paula or looking after her mother. She hardly had any alone time back then and when she did she found things to do for work; but now that she was here in Palawan and she wasn’t working anymore, she had more time to herself that she’d like and she didn’t know what to do with it.

She was staring at the wall next to their bed when she decided to get up and walk around. She immediately went out to the porch to get some fresh air. It was a full moon and its light was highlighting the waves in a way that made them appear all shimmery. She sat down in their hammock and just looked at the ocean trying to find peace in its endless widths. She closed her eyes for a moment and just breathed in the salty air.

_“Are you sure this is the right decision for you? Are you sure you did the right thing when you came here?”_

She heard her own voice in her head repeating these two questions over and over again. She wasn’t particularly doubting if it was the right choice, she knew she did the right thing moving across the world to live with the love of her life, it was just that her mind wanted her to believe that it wasn’t. Her mind wouldn’t let her be happy. No matter what she did her anxiety and depression would always come back to her and make her question every choice she would make.

She opened her eyes again and took another deep breath.

_“Are you sure you want to wear that dress to dinner with my colleagues tonight?”_

_“You look ridiculous. I cannot be seen with you while you look like this.”_

It was Alberto’s voice this time. She let out a frustrated sigh and put her knees up to her chest. What the hell was he still doing in her mind? She was doing so good, she practised all the things her therapist told her to do. She cut him out of her life 4 years ago, she was doing good now. She was loved and had a healthy family. He wouldn’t win over her mind this time, she wouldn’t ever let him do that ever again. He didn’t have that power over her anymore. He was far away probably lulling her sister in with all his lies and his evil tricks. For now she pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind and just ignored them. Looking out to the sea she noticed that she was shivering but she was too tired to get up a grab a blanket from inside. She watched the waves softly caressing the sand and listened to their sound and before she knew it she fell into a dreamless sleep in the hammock.

———————————————————————————————————————————

“Raquel? Mi amor, wake up.”

She slowly opened her eyes and in front of her stood Sergio with a concerned look on his face.

“Why did you sleep out here?”, he asked her with a worried undertone.

“I couldn’t sleep last night and I came out here as to not wake you up. I guess the waves swayed me to sleep after all. I’m quite hungry, did you prepare breakfast yet?”

He chuckled.

“No not yet but we can prepare it together so we’re done faster.”

She took his hand, stood up and the both went to the kitchen. He was eyeing her the whole time while she was preparing coffee and cutting the bread. She wasn’t sleeping much lately and as much as she tried to hide it he knew she wasn’t okay. Every time he asked her she insisted on being okay but he didn’t believe her. He might not be good in reading people but he became an expert at reading her signs and her behaviours. She was quiet most of the time, she drew back, it was like she was in her own world. She only did that when something was bothering her but he didn’t want to push her. When she wanted to she would come to him, she always did and he trusted her to know what to do. Surely her therapist has shown her some techniques to do when her mind was torturing her.He just wanted her to know that he was there for her whenever she needed him. She probably knew that but reassurance was always a good thing so he went over to her and wrapped his arms around her middle and pressed a soft kiss to her neck. She stopped what she was doing, leaned back and let out a content sigh. They didn’t need any words, they had their own language to understand each other. They were like the ocean and the moon, one always following the other; depending on one another. Right now there was a raging storm inside her and all she needed was his calmness to make her feel like she was alright. All she ever needed was him. She knew that, he knew that. She always found a way back to him through the deep entangling jungle that was her mind. He gave her clarity, he offered her safety. Safety she couldn’t get from anybody else. When her mind was a place of deafening fog he came in there and cleared it for her. When she felt like she was going to get consumed by everything he built a fortress around her and shielded her. He was her lifeline and she was his. They both needed each other like the ocean and the moon needed one another.

They ate their breakfast in silence far away in their own world. A world which will always be their safe haven. Paula was away on a school trip and Marivi was out with her nurse today so they had all day to themselves. They were all alone.

“What do you want to do today? We have the whole house to ourselves.”, Sergio asked her while still chewing on his toast.

“I would love to go to the beach with you or we could go out sailing on our boat. I just need to do something before that and I think I should have done it a long time ago.”

“What do you mean?”, he looked at her curiously.

“I need to get things off my chest and it’s long overdue. I think if I write them down and then throw them into the ocean I can finally let go. I’ve been thinking about this a lot for the past few days and I’m sorry I was so closed off to you. I drew back from you and everything around me because it was easier. I know I shouldn’t do that anymore but I’ve been doing it for so long it’s hard to stop. I know I’m hurting myself with it but it’s like that one teddy bear you always used to have when you were a child. It protected you from all evil of the outside world. It’s like settling in your mother’s lap and seeking safety whenever you were hurt. But this time the evil is in your own mind and how are you supposed to protect yourself from that? I had to learn it the hard way Sergio and I’m still not very good at it but I’m trying and improving. So maybe if you’re okay with this we could go on our boat together and you can help me let go?”, she asked him shyly, slightly embarrassed of what she was asking of him.

He took her hand to reassure her and nodded his head. That’s all she needed from him.

They cleared the table and he went into their bedroom to pack their swimsuits and sunscreen while she got some paper and an empty glass bottle to put the letter in afterwards. When they gathered all of their things they went outside and walked to their boat hand in hand. Sergio set sail and Raquel sat down to write.

_Hello Alberto,_

_I don’t know if I should say ‘hope you’re well’ or anything like that because I quite frankly don’t want to know about your wellbeing. I don’t care about you anymore. I am writing this letter addressed to you to find closure. I’ve been carrying around this baggage with me for far too long. I let it consume me, it ate me alive and before I knew it I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t trust my instincts because you made me believe that whatever I did was wrong. You made me question my every move and I lost trust in myself. I lost trust in other people and it completely isolated me until I was on my own. I was on my own against you, nobody believed me. You twisted the whole story and made me look like I was your jealous ex wife who couldn’t stand the fact that her sister was now dating her ex husband. You made me a target for the police, even more so now that I had to deal with their horrible comments. It wasn’t hard enough for me already as a woman in a man’s world. You know how hard I had to work for them to respect me, you know that most of them didn’t like the fact that I stood above them and yet you still had to humiliate me even more._

_But that’s not the worst thing you did, in fact that was the easiest thing I had to deal with. The worst thing you did to me was what you did to my soul and to my body. You hurt me in so many ways I cannot even begin to describe how angry I am. Angry at myself for not standing up to you sooner but more certainly angry at you for abusing me the way you did. You completely broke me and when I left I had to pick up all of my pieces and put them back together. I had to do the damage control all by myself because I had nobody left. My own mother didn’t believe me. I was completely empty, a drained shell of a body. I had nothing left except for the wounds you caused me. I was so close to ending it all at that point. I was so tired and exhausted. I just wanted peace._

_I have found peace now, right here on this island. Sergio found me when I needed him the most. He picked me up and supported me up until now. I’m still not doing good but I am way better than I was. I have gotten quite good at damage control. I am going to therapy. You no longer have power over me and my body. I am not letting you in anymore. I am happy here, this is my new life now. I am healing and I’m taking my time because you took everything from me. Watching you climb over people like me was the worst thing I ever had to witness. I wasn’t able to do anything but I am now and I’m working on it. I am working through the trauma you’ve caused. I am doing better than before. I am surrounded by people who love me and support me. I have an adorable daughter, a loving mother and most importantly someone who loves me unconditionally and without a doubt. He accepts me with all of my trauma and the baggage that I still carry with me. We understand each other without words, he understands my body and always knows exactly what I need. I love him and he makes me feel alive. I know he would never hurt me the way you did. He would never hurt Paula. I am safe with him. He’s my lifeline and I cannot wait to marry him and spend the rest of our beautiful life together._

_I am stronger than I ever was and I found my way out. I am glowing. I am happy and you don’t have any influence on my life anymore._

_Raquel_

She let out a long sigh and her shoulders slumped down. She didn’t even notice that she was holding so much tension in her body the whole time. She folded the letter up and put it in the bottle. When she turned around she found Sergio looking at her from behind the steering wheel. He was smiling lightly and when she smiled back he came over to her, waiting for her to say something.

“I feel like a weight has been lifted from my body. I don’t feel like I’m going to burst at any second anymore. This is what I needed to do. I needed to come to terms with what he did to me and get it off my chest. I won’t let it have the power over me anymore that it used to have. I am taking my life back, with you, with Paula, with my mother. I am doing good now. I know it won’t happen over night but I am going to fight my demons until the very end. I will not go down quietly, I’ve been doing that for too long. I am Raquel Murillo.”

He looked at her, completely in awe of the person she was. When he ‘found’ her she was a broken woman, deeply hurt and insecure. She didn’t trust anybody anymore. But she’s changed, she’s grown, marvellously evolving at every minute of every day. He couldn’t believe that she mostly did it all on her own. She was the strongest woman he knew and he couldn’t be more in love with her.

“Estoy orgullosa de ti”, and with that he kissed her to show her how proud he was of her. His fingers were tangled in her hair and their kisses got quite heated but before anything more could happen she pulled away from him.

“I still need to throw this into the ocean. I better do it now before I forget myself in your kisses.”, she smirked and stood up to throw the bottle. She watched it fly into the ocean and when it hit the water and drifted away she felt like she was free. She received her closure and she felt a million times better now.

“Now to you, mister”, she turned around and eyed him playfully. “You thought you can get away with kissing me like that, didn’t you? Well I am a woman who knows what she wants and right now I want you, right here, right now.”

“How could I say no to that?”, he laughed when she attacked him with kisses leaving both of them breathless.

He picked her up and while he carried her down into the boot of the boat she was leaving a trail of wet kisses on his neck and all the way over his chest. She was hungry for him and she wanted him to feel that. When he put her down on their small bed she reached for his shirt and pulled it over his head. Her hands were travelling all over his back when he grabbed them and pinned them over her head. That movement made her stomach tingle and her eyes were full of lust, lust for him, lust for their life together.

He kissed his way down to her collar bone but she was still wearing too many layers. He still held her hands over her head when he reached down with his other one to expose her stomach and place kisses all over it. He sent shivers down her spine and she closed her eyes and let out a soft moan. He moved his hand higher up under her shirt to cup one of her breast through her bra and he flicked his thumb over her nipple and felt it harden underneath.

“You’re still wearing too many clothes.”, he stated.

“Well, you have my consent to get rid of them.”

And he did. When she was lying in front of him in all of her naked glory, he needed a minute to just look at her. He let his hands wander over her body and memorised every freckle. Raquel didn’t feel exposed at all and she let him do what he wanted to. This has turned from the hot need for each other to a soft, confiding moment. He admired her body, the way it was illuminated by the little bit of sunlight that came through the curtain. She watched his every move, indulging in his loving touches. He got rid of his shorts and underwear and came to lie on top of her. She wrapped her hands around his neck and he just held her close for a few minutes. They wanted to stay in the moment, their peaceful silence, for a bit. She enjoyed his weight on top of her, it made her feel safe.

After a while she pressed kisses to his neck and moved her body so she could change position and be on top of him. As she straddled him, she looked into his eyes and he knew that she wanted him just as bad as he wanted her. His pupils went dark as she started grinding on him, making him moan. As she leaned down to kiss him she grabbed his length and stroked it a few times, letting her thumb run over the tip ever so softly.

“Raquel, please I want you.”, he muttered, almost begging for her.

She didn’t want to tease him any longer and so she slowly lifted her hips and sank down on him and as she began riding him at a steady rhythm, small moans escaping her mouth every now and then, they found themselves in this ecstatic liveliness holding them over water. With every thrust they melted into each other even more. Raquel went faster and he reached out to touch her whereshe needed him the most. When he did it almost sent her over the edge and she threw her head back letting out a sob like moan. She clutched onto his chest, begging him for her relief. He increased the pressure while she increased the tempo sending them both over the edge into a euphoric state. She crashed down onto his chest and he wrapped his arms around her while both of them came down from their high.

When she finally was able to move again, she untangled herself from him and came to lie beside him, her head fitting perfectly in the hollow of his shoulder.

“Te quiero, Sergio. Te quiero.”

“Te quiero, Raquel.”

And they both fell asleep in each other’s arms, completely at ease.


	8. The sun will rise and we will try again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took me so so long to update, I had a really hard time and uni was kicking my arse.   
> Thank you to lex, nicole and katya for proofreading and making suggestions for improving this chapter. I'm so grateful for you guys. 
> 
> Raquel deals with some stuff and Sergio is there to support her.  
> They welcome a new addition to the family :)

**_the sun will rise and we will try again_ **

_“and when the rest of the world thinks you’re the fool_

_try_

_there is always something you can move_

_try_

_‘cause there is nothing more that you can lose”_

Raquel was standing on the front porch looking out to the ocean. It was 3am, everybody else was asleep. She didn’t want to wake Sergio up with her tossing and turning so she left to come out here. She felt like her thoughts were eating her alive. She thought she was doing so good, hasn’t had an attack for weeks and the planning for their wedding kept her busy and distracted but it all came back to her and it’s been hitting her hard for the past two days.

Sergio noticed it of course, he always does, but she just brushed it off as being tired. And that wasn’t even a lie. She was tired. Tired of playing pretend all the time, tired of having to carry this baggage with her, tired of screaming into the void but nobody can hear. She is so fucking tired.

And she’s angry. Angry at everyone but mostly at herself. Angry that she let people use and abuse her. Angry that her ex husband is living is best life in Spain and doesn’t need to worry about a thing. She’s angry that she still has to deal with the baggage he gave her, sometimes she wished she could go back to being oblivious of what was happening to her so that she didn’t have to realise that it was actually wrong and causing her to have severe mental health problems.

But then she remembered that she had a loving fiancé now, an adorable daughter and a loving mother around her and that her life was a thousand times better than what she used to have. She smiled to herself, thinking about all the beautiful things they’ve done together like going sailing with their boat, visiting the beautiful landmarks of Palawan, their occasional date nights. She loved every second of it and she wouldn’t trade it for the world.

She breathed in the scent of the ocean once more and then she turned around, walking back into their house and to Paula’s room. When she opened the door she was greeted with the sight of her daughter soundly asleep, cuddling the teddy bear she got from Sergio. Raquel’s biggest joy was to watch them both become comfortable with each other. Paula wanted Sergio to teach her how to make origami figures and he happily obliged. They spent hours in his study together. Sometimes she felt a little bit jealous. But her and Paula’s bond was stronger than ever and she was so grateful that they were able to fix what Alberto tried to destroy. Paula was gleaming with happiness and she even found some friends who are teaching her everything about the local community and their traditions. Raquel closed the door again and went back into her’s and Sergio’s bedroom. He was still sound asleep when she got into bed and cuddled close to him, he only let out a silent puff and wrapped his arms tighter around her. This is her safe space, she thought, right here in his arms is where she felt the most comfortable and happy. And with that she finally went to sleep.

Raquel woke up with the sun shining into her face and she turned around to get some more sleep but was greeted with Sergio staring at her.

“Good morning, mi amor. How are you feeling today?”, he asked her.

Raquel just let out an annoyed sound and put her blanket over her head. Sergio smiled while looking down at her. She was so not a morning person and it was adorable to watch every time. One thing he had to learn was that you may never approach Raquel before she’s had her coffee or it will end bad for you. He got up to go to the kitchen and left Raquel in bed. He knew she wasn’t feeling very well mentally even though she didn’t say it, but she didn’t need to. So now he was on to making her breakfast in bed. It’s the little things that count. He heard little footsteps come into the kitchen and he turned around while Paula sat on a chair.

“Where’s mama? What are you doing?”

He chuckled at the child’s curiosity and answered: “Well your mama is still in bed, cariño and I’m making her breakfast.”

“Wow, can I eat with her in bed?”, Paula asked excitedly and went over to Sergio’s side to see what he was preparing.

“If you promise that you won’t spill anything then yes.”

“I promise.”

The child looked at Sergio with big puppy eyes and he handed her the spatula to flip over the pancakes and together they prepared the rest of the breakfast.

Raquel heard voices coming closer to the bedroom door and when she opened her eyes she saw her daughter carrying a tray with pancakes on it and Sergio carrying the coffee and some fresh fruit.

“What is this?”, she sat up a bit confused and looked at both of them. Paula settled the tray on Raquel’s lap and jumped on the bed to sit next to her mum.

“Papa and me prepared breakfast and I had to promise him to not spill anything so I can eat with you.”

Raquel looked at her daughter and smiled.

“This is a nice surprise. But yes Paula please be careful and try not to spill anything on the bedsheets.”

Paula nodded and began eating. Raquel looked up at Sergio who’s been watching the exchange. His eyes were filled with love and a hint of worry. Raquel moved up a bit and caught him by his collar pulling him down towards her and kissed him. They got lost in their kisses when Paula suddenly made a noise.

“Ew, please. I don’t wanna see this.”

Raquel let go and chuckled: “ You know Paula, some day you will find someone who will want to kiss you and you will want to kiss them so you might as well get used to it because it’s completely natural.”

Paula just huffed and drew her attention back to eating her pancake.

“Thank you for making me breakfast. Te quiero, cariño.”

They both knew that she wasn’t just thanking him for making her breakfast in bed but that was a conversation for another time. Raquel scooched over for Sergio to sit down next to her and they began eating their breakfast. Paula wasn’t able to keep her promise as she accidentally got some maple syrup on the sheets but Raquel said that the sheets needed changing anyways.

After breakfast they all cleaned up together and Paula helped her mum change the sheets. And as they were on it anyways, Raquel suggested they change Paula’s sheets as well and the girl happily got out the new bedsheets they got a week ago from the market. They were handmade and had beautiful ornaments made out of gold on them.

The rest of the day they went to the beach and Paula collected some more sea shells; despite her mother telling her off because half of her bookshelf was full of different types of seashells. As always Paula didn’t listen to her mum and they went home with another bag filled with beautifully shaped shells. Raquel had to admit that her daughter only picked out the most beautiful ones.

Back home Raquel prepared the rest of the invitations for the wedding. The whole family was invited. Of course they had to be careful, they couldn’t just send these invitations off with the mail. Sergio hired some people again to collect the invitations once they’re done and bring them to everybody all around the world. This way would take longer but it was safer for all of them, nobody wanted to get caught by the police. As Raquel folded up the last invitations Paula came into the room and waited hesitantly at the door for her mum to notice her.

“¿Que te pasa, cariño?”

“I have a surprise for you, mama”, the little girl says and makes her way over to her mother showing her a beautiful painting of her, Sergio, Marivi and Paula as a family sitting on the front porch of their house. Raquel was so moved she had tears in her eyes.

“I love it, Paula, thank you so much. How are things with you and Sergio going? Has he shown you any new figures to make?”

“Yes, he’s showed me how to make a crane, a butterfly and a flower. Mine aren’t nearly as good as his but he said that it’s okay since I’m still learning.”

Raquel listened to her daughter and felt her heart being filled with love. She was so worried about her daughter not accepting Sergio and not wanting to adapt to the new situation and although it took her some time she still came around and accepted her relationship with Sergio and him as her new father.

“Wait what is that in the corner?”, Raquel asked her daughter as she looked at the picture once more and saw a tiny figure in the bottom left corner.

“It’s a cat.” Paula replied nonchalantly.

“But we don’t have a cat, Paula.”

“I know that mama. And since you always said that we can’t have one I just drew one instead.”

And with that the little girl left her mum with the picture and left the room again, leaving Raquel to think about if getting Paula a cat was the right thing. She will definitely speak to Sergio about it.

While Raquel was occupied with cleaning up Sergio’s desk, Sergio prepared dinner for them. He was good at cooking and Raquel loved that she didn’t have to cook all the time. They all sat down to eat the curry Sergio made and after dinner Raquel brought Paula to bed, reading her a bed time story and then went to their bedroom. Sergio was already in bed reading but when Raquel came in he put his book aside and watched her change. He could never get enough of her body and the moonlight just highlighted her beauty even more.

“Are you staring, mister?”, she asked playfully and turned around.

He gulped as she stood in front of him, naked from the top. He was only able to stare at her as she moved closer towards the bed and straddled him. He put his hands on her back as she started kissing him. She undressed him and they got lost in each other’s caresses and kisses, leaving scratches on each other’s backs the room soon was filled with their moans and heavy breathing as they reached their climaxes together. Raquel collapsed onto Sergio’s chest and he wrapped his arms around her protectively.

“¿Estas bien, mi amor?”

“Honestly no lo se, Sergio. I honestly have no idea how I feel. All I know is that I haven’t felt like this in such a long time and I thought I was finally over it. I didn’t expect for it to hit me so hard and I’m sorry that I’ve shut you out and been kind of distant during the last few days. I was exhausted and I still am but today was a good day. I guess I have to accept that recovery doesn’t just happen like that. I still have a long way to go and I have to accept that. I’m not a very patient person we both know that”, they both chuckled and Raquel looked up at Sergio, “But I know that you’re here for me and that you’ll never judge me. I have to learn that you won’t leave me. I might have moved across the world for you but you’re always free to leave since you didn’t quite prepare for what I brought with me. My family, my issues. Now you suddenly have daughter and a mother in law to look after as well and I’m sorry for just imposing my family on you.”

“Raquel I don’t think you realise how much joy you and your family bring me, especially Paula. I love teaching her about new stuff and showing her new origami figures. I love reading her bedtime stories whenever she lets me and I love spending time with her. Lately we’ve been reading about the cosmos and the different planets and she loves it, she’s so interested in it.”

“Dios mio, please don’t tell me you’re turning her into a nerd. I don’t need another one.”

“Hey”, Sergio exclaimed and started tickling her sides which caused her to laugh out loud and wiggle away from him.

“Stop Sergio, I was kidding. I love that you teach her new stuff and I love that you guys adapted so well to each other and formed such a strong bond. I was worried at first but turns out I had nothing to worry about.”

“Hey I know you don’t like the slow pace of your recovery but that’s just how it is. It won’t be a straight line, it will be bumpy and exhausting but I will be right here supporting you and holding you up when you can’t. I will lend you a hand when you need it and I will be the one waiting for you to come to me when you feel ready to do so. I won’t pressure you to talk to me bit know that I will always be right here.”

Raquel moved to settle on his chest again and breathed in his scent.

“Thank you, Sergio, for being so kind to me and so patient. I sometimes just wish it wasn’t so hard. I wish I could turn back time and do things differently or stay oblivious as to what was happening to me. It was easier not dealing with things to be very honest but I wasn’t happy and I am now despite working through my issues. I am happiest when I’m in your arms. You make me feel safe and I’m so glad I crossed an entire ocean for you. I wouldn’t change a thing about that. I’m excited for what the future has to bring for us. I love you so much, Sergio.”

She kissed him again and he let his finger follow her spine all the way down to her buttocks and squeezed it.Raquel arched up an eyebrow and looked at him.

“Again already? Do you not need some more time to recover?”

“How should I have time to recover when I have a goddess lying on top of me?”

“Oh so now it’s my fault that your stamina is torturing you?”

“Do you mind?”

“No, I don’t think I do. In fact, I love it.”

And with that they went for round two, loving and touching each other again. Their sweaty skin was shining in the moonlight and the bed was creaking with every move they made. After their shared intimacy they cuddled and just enjoyed each other’s silence.

“I think we should get Paula a cat.”, Raquel silently said after a while.

“I thought you don’t want a cat?”, Sergio asked her confused about where the sudden change of mind is coming from.

“I didn’t want one back in Spain because I didn’t have time to care for it but now that we’re here and Paula is a little older I think it would be a good thing to get her one. She’s old enough to take some responsibility now and she’s been drawing a cat onto our family pictures. If that isn’t enough of a hint that she’s begging for a cat then I don’t know what is.”

“Pues, we can go to the animal shelter tomorrow and have a look. Do you want it to be a surprise for Paula?”

“Yes but we can just tell her that we’re going to the market with her but instead we’re going to the animal shelter so she can pick out a cat.”

“Vale, now let’s go to sleep. I’m sure Paula will wake us up at 7am tomorrow morning.”, Sergio said and with that they cuddled up to each other, falling into a deep peaceful sleep.

———————————————————————————————————————————

“Paula vale, we’re leaving.”, Raquel cried out for her daughter who was still in her room finding some clothes to wear.

“Coming, mama.”, and the little girl ran down the stairs, nearly missing one. She put on her shoes in record time and was now standing at the door waiting for her mum and her dad to come.

“Well if you were that fast when we leave for school I wouldn’t have to scold you every time.”, Raquel noted and picked up her bag opening the door.

Paula just rolled her eyes but luckily her mother didn’t see otherwise she would have been in trouble. It didn’t go unnoticed by Sergio but he learned to not come between the Murillo women or else it could end really badly for him with either Paula not speaking to him for days or Raquel depriving him of sex and he didn’t want either of those two possible outcomes. They got into their car and left for the animal shelter. Luckily it was close to the market so that Paula wouldn’t get too suspicious but when Sergio took a turn right instead of left her curiosity got the better of her.

“Where are we going? The market is the other way.”

“Well Paula, remember that we talked about you wanting a cat yesterday? Me and Papa have decided that you’re old enough to care for you so we’re going to the animal shelter so you can pick out a cat.”, Raquel said and turned around to see her daughter squealing in her seat.

“Gracias mama y papa, I promise I will take care of it, feed it and play with it. I won’t disappoint you.”

Raquel and Sergio exchanged a knowing look. They knew that Paula wouldn’t always take care of her cat but that’s how children are. And thinking about it, it would give all of them something to do and Paula would learn how to look after something.

Arriving at the shelter Paula jumped out of the car and ran to the door excitedly. She was jumping up and down walking in front of Raquel and Sergio following the woman who worked there. When they reached the cats Paula was unstoppable. She moved from one stall to another, it almost looked like she couldn’t choose. But then she stopped in front of one with a small tricoloured kitten who was sitting in the corner being all silent and shy.

“This one.”, she exclaimed.

“Are you sure Paula?”, Raquel asked her as she moved closer to see which cat her daughter has chosen.

“This one is our quietest, she hardly makes any problems. She loves cuddling with people and is very friendly although it might take her some time to get used to new areas. But she’s considered a lucky cat with her tricoloured fur. Good choice, little one.”

Paula proudly beamed and asked the woman if the cat had a name yet.

“We named her ‘Calma’ it’s Spanish and means calm.”

“I know. I am Spanish.” Paula said and turned around to her mum working her best puppy eyes.

“You don’t have to convince me, Paula. I am on board with her. Calma is a beautiful name. Sergio?”

“I think she would be an adorable addition to our family.”

The woman took out the cat and out her into a transport box. She also gave them a few samples of food for the beginning and told them how to take care of her. They left the animal shelter and went to a pet shop to buy a bed and a necklace, all chosen by Paula of course. They also bought a toilet, some more food and some bowls to put the food and water in. When they got home Paula quickly released Calma from the box and the cat, at first, hesitantly but soon comfortably, explored her new home. Sergio and Raquel watched her daughter follow the new addition to their family everywhere.

“I think it was a good idea to get a cat. Paula will learn how to take some responsibility and maybe Calma will bring some luck to this family although I doubt that we need any considering that I am the luckiest woman on earth.”

Raquel kissed Sergio and wrapped her arms around his neck fidgeting with his hair. He held her close and they kissed for several minutes until they go interrupted by Paula again.

“Mama, Papa please. I know it’s normal to you but that doesn’t mean that you can kiss each other in front of me all the time.”

Raquel rolled her eyes at their daughter and her and Sergio went into the kitchen to prepare lunch. Between stolen kisses and short make out sessions they actually managed to cook some pasta for them and they sat down and ate lunch together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are appreciated, love you very much guys


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The family goes shopping together for Paula's new room and Raquel gets a surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my loves I'm so sorry it took me so long to update. I don't even know who is reading this anymore but anyways. I hope you like this new chapter. I haven't quite decided how to continue the story but there will probably be 4-5 more chapters.

_“And it took a turn”_

It’s a lovely morning and the sun is shining through their bedroom curtains. Raquel wasn’t ready to wake up yet. She groaned and turned around as to get another few minutes of peaceful sleep.

Sergio was already awake, as usual, and watched her with amusement. He leaned over and gave her a kiss on the shoulder. Raquel stirred but had no intention to open her eyes. He kissed her again this time on her cheek which earned him a smile. He wrapped one hand around her tummy pressing her close to him and inhaled her scent. Oh, how he would never get enough of her. Waking up next to her every day was a blessing and he cherished it dearly. He nuzzled little kisses against her neck.

“You’re tickling me, stop that.”, an annoyed and still sleepy Raquel groaned.

“Wake up, mi amor. We are going shopping today. Paula is getting a new room.”

“Somebody is excited.”

“Yes of course I am, I never got to do this. I just want to experience this with you and Paula.”

Raquel chuckled and finally moved over to face him. She put her hands against his cheek and kissed him. A deep, lingering kiss like a promise for more. More of them, more of their future, more of right now.

“Okay, let’s get up then. Paula’s going to wake up any minute anyways so why don’t we prepare breakfast already. You go ahead, I’ll be with you in a few minutes.”, Raquel offered and Sergio nodded. He got up from the bed and with one last loving look he opened the door and left the room.

“ _Finally”_ , Raquel thought and lay back down on her pillows closing her eyes. _“Why is everybody so motivated at 7am in the morning. I need my sleep.”_ She rolled over and shielded her eyes from the sun trying to get some more sleep.

“Mama, Mama.”

Raquel groaned as she heard her daughter come closer to the bedroom. The door flew open and soon her daughter was excitedly jumping up and down on the bed next to her mother.

“We are going shopping today. I am getting a new room.”, Paula exclaimed.

“Cariño te quiero mucho pero yo necesito dormir. Just a few more minutes, por favor. Papa is already in the kitchen preparing breakfast why don’t you help him?”

“No mama, wake up. I wanna prepare breakfast with you.”, Paula pouted and enacted her best puppy eyes.

“Vale, vale.”, a tired Raquel gave in, “let’s go down to Papa. Can you wake up grandma?”

Paula went into her grandma’s room who was already awake since Paula wasn’t a quiet child. Raquel went down to see Sergio standing in the kitchen preparing coffee and some pancakes. She stood by the doorframe for a few seconds drinking in what she saw. It might be her favourite sight. She was blessed and she thanked whoever was up there every day for it. She joined him and hugged him from behind. Her head leaning on his broad shoulders. He was her safe space. Her rock in the roaring ocean. He always managed to calm her down and he always knew what to do when she felt helpless.

They stayed wrapped in their little bubble for a few moments until they heard Paula come in the kitchen. They let go reluctantly and Sergio went back to the pancakes while Raquel got some plates out of the cupboard and handed them to Paula.

“Go set the table, papa’s nearly done with making pancakes.”

Marivi came down the stairs as Raquel was putting the coffee on the table.

“Good morning, Mama.”

“Buenos días, mi hija,”, and she gave her daughter a kiss on the head.

They all sat down and discussed their plan for today. They would leave shortly after breakfast so it wasn’t so busy on the streets. Marivi would stay with her nurse all day and have a day off from their busy mundane life. Paula was talking all excitedly about what she wanted for her new room. So far she wanted a new bed, a new colour for her walls, some new shelves and lots of new toys because she recently got ahold of a catalogue for children’s toys and she marked almost everything and put them on her Christmas Wishlist. Raquel had to hold Sergio back because he wanted to order them all straight away for Paula. She loved their relationship and how attached to each other they’ve become but she didn’t raise a spoilt brat and one man would certainly not change that as much as he wanted to.

When they were done with breakfast they all cleaned up together and got ready to leave. They got changed into their clothes and packed their bags. Raquel felt a bit faint and sick but she blamed it on the amount of pancakes she ate since Sergio was really good at making them. She hugged her mother goodbye and followed the other two outside to their car. They put on music and Paula loudly sang along to every single song. Raquel and Sergio looked at each other lovingly and she took his hand and placed a kiss on his palm. She loved their small intimate moments. At every chance they got they shared their love with each other. They were drawn to each other like the planets in the solar system. The sole core that kept them together was their mutual admiration. Raquel needed Sergio as much as he needed her. She kept him on the ground and he kept her alive.

“Mama sing the song with me.”, Paula cried out from the back seat.

It was Van Morrison’s song “brown eyed girl". Paula knew that that was her parents’ favourite song because her mum was a huge fan of Van Morrison. And by now she knew the words to the song, well as much as a child could know the words so a song in a language they don’t speak.

_In the misty morning fog with_

_Our hearts a thumpin' and you_

_My brown-eyed girl_

_You, my brown-eyed girl_

The girls sang at the top of their lungs while Sergio just listened and laughed. He never thought he would have a functioning, healthy family so this was pure heaven to him.

_Whatever happened_

_To Tuesday and so slow?_

_Going down the old mine_

_With a transistor radio_

_Standing in the sunlight laughing_

_Hiding behind a rainbow's wall_

_Slipping and sliding_

_All along the waterfall, with you_

_My brown-eyed girl_

_You, my brown-eyed girl_

They finished the song as they were pulling into the parking space for their local shopping centre. Paula was so excited she was jumping up and down in her seat.

“Okay Paula listen to me. It’s very busy today so you have to stay close to us. I don’t wanna lose you in there.”, Raquel reminded her daughter. They didn’t expect it to be so busy today since it was literally a Wednesday but you can never be sure. Raquel freed her daughter from her seat and the three made their way through the parking lot into the mall. Once inside Paula immediately went to the first furniture store she saw. She dragged Raquel and Sergio with her, they had absolutely no chance to say no to her. Paula stopped in front of a made up children’s bedroom.

“I like the bed.”, she said and turned around to her parents.

It was a bunk bed with a desk standing underneath it and two see-through curtains at the side.

“Are you sure, Paula?”, Raquel asked her daughter because she knew her daughter always had nightmares about monsters under her bed. So just because her daughter liked it doesn’t mean she actually wanted it.

“You won’t have any nightmares about monsters?”

“No mama, look. The room under this is too bright for a monster because the sun or the moon always shines into it. And monsters don’t like see-through curtains because they cannot hide.”

Raquel chuckled at her daughter. She certainly had her negotiating techniques from her mum. Suddenly Raquel felt very faint again and she gripped Sergio’s arm to hold on to him.

“Raquel? Que pasa?”, he looked at her worriedly.

“I don’t know. I don’t feel very well.”

“Okay, sit down on the chair here. It’s gonna be okay.”

Paula watched her mum sit down on the chair and went to stay close to her. Raquel’s face was pale and there was sweat on her forehead. She was shivering but at the same time she felt very hot. Sergio got out Paula’s water bottle from Raquel’s bag and handed it to her. He kneeled down in front of her and she leaned her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. She tried focusing on her breathing and after a while she started feeling better. She was able to sit up straight again and she stopped shivering.

“Mama, are you okay?”, a small voice asked her.

Raquel looked to her side and saw her daughter with big worried eyes staring at her. She put her arm around her and held her close.

“Yes, cariño. I am okay. Sorry to worry you. I don’t know what that was.”

“What happened?”, Paula wanted to know.

“Well sometimes bodies are weird and things like that happen. Maybe I had low blood pressure or I didn’t have enough sugar in my body. Things like that can cause your body to shut down for a short amount of time and kind of restart itself. It’s like one of your games when they stop working for a second and you have to start again. This is kind of like that. But now come on, we still have to look for a new wardrobe and a new colour for your room.”

Raquel stood up, slightly weak, and Sergio was immediately by her side holding her.

“Are you sure you want to continue?”

“Yes, I’m feeling okay again. I think I just needed some water.”

As they went through the rest of the shop with Paula going left and right Raquel’s thoughts were somewhere else. The faint feeling, the ill feeling this morning, her sleepless nights sometimes, her inability to smell certain smells because they made her feel ill. All of these symptoms seemed familiar to her but she didn’t think it would be possible. Sure her and Sergio don’t always use protection because she was a woman in her 40’s and he was also not the youngest anymore. No it can’t be, she thought, panic rising in her. Sergio was a very ill child so Raquel didn’t know if he wanted a child with her. And they already had Paula together. Her thoughts were racing and she wasn’t really paying attention to what Paula was showing them. Sergio asked her several times if she was feeling alright and just put it off to being tired. She was just holding on to him whenever she could. They bought a wall colour, a new bed, some new pillows and a new wardrobe. Paula was happy but she was slowly getting hungry.

“Mama, I am hungry. Can we go eat something?”

“Yes, let’s see. What do you want to eat?”, Raquel asked her daughter.

“Pizza!”, Paula exclaimed.

“There’s a pizza restaurant right over there.”, Sergio pointed out and Raquel gave him a thankful look. They went over to the restaurant when Raquel stopped.

“You two go in, I will join you in a few minutes. I’m just gonna go the pharmacy and get some ibuprofen. I’ve developed a headache and it isn’t feeling like going away anytime soon.”

“Are you sure?”, Sergio asked her.

“Sí cariño, I’ll be right back.”, and with that she turned around and the other two went into the restaurant.

She found a pharmacy on the ground floor and went in. She looked for pregnancy test but wasn’t able to find any so she went up to the counter and asked for one. The cashier looked at her in a weird way but didn’t say anything.

“ _Yeah you better not say anything. I am still able to get children. I am not old yet.”,_ Raquel thought annoyed.

After a few minutes the cashier came back and she payed for the pregnancy test and left. She put the test in her bag and went back to the restaurant. While walking up to it she saw Sergio talk to Paula and Paula was laughing. She stopped and looked at them through the windows. They didn’t seem to notice her so she just stood there and watched them. They seemed so happy together and it made her heart ache. Suddenly she was overwhelmed with emotions and tears started running down her cheeks. She didn’t want to ruin what they had with this news. She loved their little family and how it was just them but she also loved the idea of having a baby with Sergio. She loved the idea of doing it all over again together with him. While she was pregnant with Paula she was basically all on her own. Alberto always had to work and went to business dinners while she stayed at home taking care of Paula. If it wasn’t for her mother who helped her a lot she would have gone mad. She would tell him tonight no matter what. She was probably overreacting anyways and his reaction will not be as bad as she made it out to be. She dried her cheeks and went into the restaurant.

“Hello, sorry it took a little longer.”, she said while sitting down at their table.

“Have you already ordered?”

“No we wanted to wait for you, Mama but I already know what I want.”

“And what would that be, mi amor?”

“I want a pizza Hawaii with extra cheese and a glass of sprite.”, Paula proudly said.

“Oh I see. Did daddy allow you to have a glass of pure sugar?”, Raquel asked and turned her head to Sergio who looked at her with innocent eyes.

“No, I thought I deserve one.”, Paula threw in to get her mum’s attention back.

“And why is that?”

“Because I’ve been really good today. I didn’t complain and I didn’t whine so the conclusion is I deserve something good.”

That made Paula’s parents laugh.

“Cariño, it’s debatable if a glass of sugar is good for you but okay. Shall we order?”, Raquel put the menu down and looked for a waiter.

They ordered their food and drinks and then just chatted about casual stuff. Paula went on and on about how she wanted to re-do her new room and where she wanted to put things. Raquel had her hand on Sergio’s thigh the whole time and he kept a protective arm around her shoulder. When their food came they ate in content silence and Raquel’s anxiety calmed down a bit. After lunch they strolled through the other shops and found some new clothes for Paula. Raquel found a new yellow dress and Sergio found some light linen shirts. When they went home it was late in the afternoon and the sun already began to set. Raquel excused herself to the bathroom right after they’ve arrived.

“ _Okay breathe, it’s gonna be okay.”_

She was repeating those same words over and over while waiting for the test. She was pacing up and down with thoughts raising through her mind.

“ _What if he doesn’t want a child?”_

_“What if Paula doesn’t want a sibling?”_

_“What if I lose it?”_

_“What if….?”_

She was panicking again so she sat down and focused on her breathing. When it was time she picked up the test and looked at it.

“ _Two stripes.”_

_“Wait, two stripes?”_

Yes, two stripes. She was pregnant. Her and Sergio were going to have a child together. Well, if he wanted to. She was worried about telling him but deep down she knew it was going to be okay. One way or another.

She was absentminded all throughout the evening and when she excused herself to bed everybody went as well. She kissed Paula goodnight and went into their bedroom. Sergio came in a few minutes after her. She was already in bed waiting for him to come out of the bathroom so she could tell him.

“Raquel?”

“Sí, mi amor. ¿Qué pasa?”

“What is this?”, Sergio came out of the bathroom holding the packaging of the pregnancy test.

Raquel froze. She just looked at him unable to say anything.

“I.. I was gonna tell you.”

“When, and most importantly, why did you take a pregnancy test?”

“I took it today. I bought it when you guys went into the restaurant. I’ve been putting one and one together and needed to know. I have been feeling faint and ill for a few days now. Certain smells I can’t smell anymore because they make me feel sick. I’ve been having reoccurring headaches. Those are all symptoms I had when I was pregnant with Paula. I know I’m not the youngest anymore and I know your history.”

“Are you pregnant?”, Sergio asked her. His face didn’t say anything about what he might be feeling.

“Uhh, yes…. Yes, I am.”, she looked down, worried about his reaction.

Sergio moved over and sat down next to her on the bed. He took her face into his hands and nudged her to look at him.

“You are pregnant with our baby?”

She just nodded, tears springing to her eyes again. Sergio’s face lit up and he went in and kissed her. It took her by surprise but she soon responded and opened his lips to him.

There was her answer.

They were going to have a child together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so pregnant Raquel huh? will I let them be happy or will there be drama on its way?   
> stay tuned... 
> 
> oh and comments and kudos are appreciated. love you guys very much


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